The milkmaid who is glum

2003-03-15 - 5:35 p.m.

My opinion of myself recently has dropped down to about zero. Or less. I completely suck. Redeeming qualities? Heh, hardly! Geez, why are you reading this? I suck, I tell you!

Oh, but then again, I was mistaken for Jesus yesterday. Yeah, really. I was walking down the straight part of a "T" section of hallway in my hospital when some big dude coming up the adjoining hallway ran smack into me. As I ricocheted off the wall completely dazed and off-balance he caught me and said, "Oh, Jesus, I'm sorry!" See? I told you.

I suck. I'm completely out of my mind. I'm such a coward. Such a loser.

"If there was nothing new to be done, would human intellect cease to be necessary?"

Ok, so I'm just going to come out and talk about it. There are two things that are bugging me. The same two things as always, it seems, but never the less. These things are, of course, my job and my love life. Or lack of both of these things.

As far as the job goes, yes I have a job right now. But I'm sick of it and I don't really have too many prospects for the future. I mean, I totally suck, how am I going to get a recommendation from anyone here? Well, Milkshake said he would write one for me. But I'm totally sucking at his project, so maybe he'll change his mind. And Quincy? Everyone tells me going to Quincy is like selling myself short. But how can I sell myself short when I suck so much? Yesterday I had my midpoint evaluation of my management rotation. Maybe that got me down, I don't know. It shouldn't have, though, I mean, it was basically a good evaluation. Only one deficiency, and that was the usual. Wouldn't it be nice if I talked more? The thing was, this evaluation was being given by Cheesecake, a man who I'm coming to respect more and more as I get to know him better. In fact, geez, I'm totally developing a crush on him too. I never realized how hot he is. Of course he's old, married, and has a daughter in college so there is absolutely nothing going to come of it, not that I really would want something to come of it. What was I talking about? Oh right, I was saying that I respect him. Do you have any idea how many loud people have told me that they used to be quiet and shy, just like me (yeah, right), but now look at them, they are loud and obnoxious? A lot of people have. I want to tell them they are nothing like me and I don't want to be anything like them. But yesterday Cheesecake told me that he used to be really quiet when he was younger. And the way he said it made it believable. And also the way he is now makes it believable. He isn't loud and obnoxious. He's just really intelligent and unafraid. And then we talked about how quiet I am. Not a subject I really enjoy discussing, but that's what we did. But instead of the usual "You need to talk more," "Ok, I'll try," he actually went into ways in which I could actually achieve that goal. It was sort of cool. Only it sucked. But you weren't actually expecting me to make sense, were you? Anyway, my goal now is to say at least one thing at each meeting.

I'm watching "City by the Sea" in which they throw some dead dude in a river in Long Beach and he washes up somewhere in Manhattan. I'm thinking what sort of fucking shit is this? And then I find out there's a Long Beach in New York, too, not just California. Who knew?

Anyway, anyone up for some more senseless blathering? What if it's about Stretch? You know recently I've been talking about missing him. Been wondering if maybe I want to try to get him back. But, but... Well, at the moment I'm feeling pretty low and shitty so thinking there's no way he'd come back. And even if he would, if I care for him at all I shouldn't go anywhere near him. I should just leave him alone. Let him be happy. I just read Beagle47 in which he talked about how he wished his ex-girlfriend would just leave him alone. But wait, that wasn't my point. What was my point? Right, trying to decide whether or not I should try to get Stretch back. Whether or not I want to. Whether or not I should is an entirely different matter. I left him for a reason, right? And that reason was because he wasn't exactly what I wanted. I thought I could live with him, but if I did, that would be settling. I thought there must be someone out there better. My Prince Charming must be out there somewhere, right? Other people have found their's (OK, Princess Charming in some of the sited cases, there). Not that Prince Charming would actually want me. Well, I guess my Prince Charming would, otherwise he wouldn't be my Prince Charming, would he? But anyway, recently I've been missing Stretch. Only I'm not sure if I'm missing Stretch or just missing being in a relationship. Missing being held. Missing being touched. But he was good at it. And I think I could live with him. Especially if I ever pulled myself out of this hole. But then everyone tells me that going to Quincy is selling myself short. Would going back to Stretch be selling myself short too? But maybe there isn't anyone out there better for me than Stretch. Maybe he's it. Maybe he's Prince Charming. Maybe Prince Charming does get carsick and is afraid of heights and listens to Huey Lewis and the News after all.

Well, lucky you, you've been rescued. DeenPo called and we spent, woah, almost an hour doing some mutual venting and now it's past my bedtime and I've got a 12-hour ops shift tomorrow. Adios.