I must've been hatching just as you walked past

2003-04-15 - 3:13 p.m.

Today has been a sad day all in all. This morning around nine o'clock, one of our pharmacy supervisors got a phone call from his family. His granddaughter died. She was about three weeks old. His scream was heart-wrenching. I had no idea who was making the noise or why, but I knew it was bad. Only later did I find out what happened. Look at me, I'm crying about it again. So is the rest of the pharmacy staff. How does stuff like this happen?

And it's so lonely here today. Slick is on vacation. Fluffy started working out at the county this week. The Mole is giving a lecture at UCSF. Gray is never here on Tuesdays. I am the only one in this small corner of the world. In a way, it's nice. But it's lonely.

I've been reading other people's journals most of the day. Catching up from the weekend when I was gone. I know, there is work I should be doing. I know I am going to regret not doing it. I am already regretting not doing it. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why I am not doing it? I don't know. And I guess I don't care to find out. Today's entry title was inspired by a poem by April Halprin Wayland quoted in Ali's entry for today. I also read in Somnambulist's entry for the day about a something called the fucklist in which you can list all the people you want to fuck. I thought about posting there but decided against it for two reasons. First of all, it doesn't appear to be working at the moment, the only list you can find there is Somn's. And second, while Somn listed 51 people, I can only think of 4. Which means I'm either very picky or have no libido. I can tell you right now it's not the latter. Or maybe I just don't know enough people, ha ha.

Speaking of Cheesecake (hee hee...) I had a dream about him last night. Well, it wasn't actually about him, but he was in it. It was a warm spring day and I was in pharmacy administration talking with some of the secretary ladies. There was a sliding glass door leading from the administration office to the outside (there isn't in real life) and we were standing just outside it enjoying the sunshine and the gab. Then we saw several airplanes fly over and drop a plume of white stuff out the back like cropdusters. I knew that they were bioterrorists and that whatever they had dropped would kill us when it landed on us. There was only one person that could help, and that was our fearless leader, Cheesecake. (This is going to be a bit awkward because, of course, his real name is not Cheesecake and this bit of the dream involves his name...) I yelled out for him, "Cheese!" Cheesecake is one of those people who is always called by both his first and last names for some unknown reason so I didn't know if he would respond to being called by just his first name. So I tried again, "Cheesecake!" There was still no response so I figured maybe he hadn't heard me. I walked inside towards his office until I saw him standing outside his office having a discussion with some other administrators. I said, "Can you join us outside please?" Such a request coming from me is pretty unusual so he stopped what he was doing and started to slowly follow me as I headed back outside. When I got there I saw that the white stuff was getting very near to the ground. I was really scared. I yelled to Cheesecake, "Hurry!" and the quaver in my voice was enough to get him to start running. We had all come back inside the door but it was still open. When Cheesecake got there he saw the white stuff and immediately started to shut the sliding glass door. But it wouldn't shut all the way. He was pulling on it with all his weight and kicking it but still it wouldn't shut. The white stuff started to drift in through the open door...

I've also been spending some time on Swappingtons trying to decide how to spend my points. I've been racking them up recently. A while ago someone requested a book from me and I was embarrassed to have to report to that someone that I couldn't find the book. Well, I found it. I found it in my sports bag this weekend when I was packing for Monterey. Now that I think about it, I remember why I put it there. This book is the sequel to another book which I sent out earlier. When that person requested the book I sent them an e-mail saying I also have the sequel and if they want I will send them that one too. So I brought the sequel with me to work so I could send both books out together if he responded to my e-mail. He never responded so I didn't send it and I had a volleyball game that evening, so it went in the bag. Well, after not being able to find the book, I removed its listing from Swappingtons. Then after finding the book, I reposted it. But before I could send an e-mail to the person who I had told I lost it telling him I found it, the person who I had sent the first book to requested it. So today I'm sending the sequel out to the same person who got the first one. I feel bad for the other person, but oh well. It's kind of nice to know that those two books will be together as a family again :) Anyway, while messing around in Swappingtons and Diaryland I ran across Corajoy who is also a member of BookCrossing! That's a first for me. Just thought I'd share that with y'all.

Anyway, I guess I'll finish up with this Love Survey which I'm borrowing from Ali who borrowed it from Tish.

1. Are you a boy or a girl?

I am a girl.

2. If your partner is a great conversationalist and pleasant to be around and an
all around great person but bad in bed would it end the relationship?

I guess this depends on your definition of "bad." If bad means that I'm not getting 
much pleasure from it, then no, I don't think it would end the relationship.  Practice makes 
perfect, after all.  But if bad means I'm in pain the whole time, then probably it would 
end the relationship because I would refuse to put myself through that and then most 
likely he would end it.

3. Would you rather have a loyal partner who isn't much of a romantic or a 
sweet talker who whispers sweet nothings into your ear but you don't know if you're 
the only one they are whispering them too?

I'd go for the faithful guy any day.  First of all, I'm not a huge fan of sweet nothings, 
and secondly I get jealous!

4. Would you rather have a romantic walk on the beach with a full moon and a 
nice warm summer night or a nice dinner in a fancy restaurant then a movie of 
your choice all payed for by your date?

I don't see why these things are mutually exclusive but if I must choose...
I'd rather have the beach because there we can be comfortable and stay as long as 
we like and do things you just can't do in a movie theater.

5. If someone you were dating got fat would you dump them?

It depends on how fat and why.  When they started to get pudgey I would 
encourage exercise and a healthy diet.  If they had absolutely no interest in these 
things then we would have issues even if they weren't fat.  But if I was in love, I don't
think fat would matter.

6. Would you give up an organ to someone you loved if they needed it to live, 
would you expect your partner to?

Yes, I would give up any of my organs to someone I love.  I would expect them to 
love me enough to give up a duplicated organ for me, but I would never take 
anything else.

7. Would your prefer falling in love at first sight or falling in love with a friend 
over a period of time?

What does it matter?  I just want to be in love.

8. Which are more attractive younger or older people?

Definitely older.  Not that younger people aren't attractive too.

9. What is your age? What ages are you willing to date?

I'm 24.  I'd be comfortable dating people ages 23-28, although I might extend that 
a little bit in either direction for the right guy.

10. Would you prefer the exotic mysterious look or the girl/boy next door charm?

Definitely the boy next door.  

11. Would your prefer the innocent, all I've ever done is kiss another person, with 
very little experience or the pro who can teach you things even you never
 even heard of?

I'd prefer the innocent guy because I get jealous and also because that way I wouldn't 
always be wondering "Am I as good as his other girls?" and I think it
 would just be more special.

12. Would you rather be with someone who is mature and can have relevant 
conversations or would you rather be with someone immature who makes you
 laugh and reminds you of being young?

I would much rather have the mature guy, as long as he was able to loosen up a 
little bit now and then.  I find immaturity to be annoying most of the
 time.

13. Are long distance relationships possible for you or would you crumble?

I really don't know.  Of course I would prefer not to have a long distance 
relationship.  I want to be able to hold my guy whenever the urge 
strikes.  The longest-distance relationship I've ever had was living 75 
minutes away from him and that ended about 5 months after the 
long-distance started, so my track record in that respect is not 
good.

14. In relationships are you the more mature out of the two or is the other person 
usually more mature than you?

I tend to be the more mature one, always wishing that the other person was more mature.

15. Which characteristic is a must have for the opposite sex, good looks or a 
good personality?

The personality, of course.  Looks fade, a personality is forever.

16. Please describe your perfect mate?

My dream guy is around 6'4", has short hair, is athletic, has some chest hair, is 
smarter than me but isn't smug about it, loves to read, loves country 
music, loves classical and jazz music, loves dogs, drives a truck, is 
polite and chivalrous, has a large vocabulary, is a good speaker, looks 
good in tight jeans and a cowboy hat but doesn't wear them all the time, 
doesn't use tobacco, drink, or do drugs, weighs more than I do, loves 
kids, loves outdoorsy stuff and adventure, is willing to get spiders for 
me, is patient, is a morning person, has a steady job which he loves but 
not as much as he loves me, is faithful, loves to cook, thinks I'm 
beautiful, will put up with my mood swings, will humor my crazy ideas, is 
comfortable in cities but prefers small towns, has big hands, is a great 
lover, and inspires me to want to devote my life to him.  Is this too 
much to ask?