Different things to me

2005-03-07 - 8:24 p.m.

Last night I dreamed that my mom was dying. I was in a cheap hotel room with my parents. We had two queen beds--they were sharing one and I had the other. We were getting ready for bed. There was a doctor there at the foot of my parents' bed and he was telling us how whether or not my mom woke up in the morning was really up to my dad and I. We had to make her want to wake up, otherwise she would die. I didn't know how to feel about that. I wanted to cry because my mom was dying, but on the other hand I was really tired and I just wanted to go to sleep.

It's weird how wrapped up in boys I seem to be these days. Did I use to be this way? I don't think so, but maybe just because I didn't really have the opportunity. It seems like Seattle is full of boys. Is it just because I lived with my parents that it seemed like there were no boys in Sacramento?

I just got home from having coffee with a new guy. The way I met this guy is kind of weird. I met him through a website, although the website's purpose isn't one of those dating type websites. He randomly sent me an e-mail and I happened to be in the mood to write back when I received it. We e-mailed a tiny bit and then I suggested having coffee. Yeah, the first random e-mail was Thursday. I don't know, he seemed nice enough and I really, really do not want any internet relationships. In my experience that has not gone well. I am currently of the opinion that things should be moved to the real world as soon as possible. So anyway, whatever, we had coffee today after work. He seems like a nice enough guy. Not overly attractive, but not overly unattractive either. He doesn't like to hike or do anything "outdoorsy" and he doesn't like to read. He's a software tester. He's 27 and he's only marginally tall enough. He claims to have quite a bit of musical talent, which impresses me. We sat and talked for quite a long time. I finally said I should get going. He asked if I'd like to have dinner sometime. We discovered that we both dislike mushrooms. He said he'd call. If he doesn't, I won't be heartbroken.

Unlike how certain other people not calling me affects me. Magellan never called me Sunday. And it's 8pm Monday now and he still hasn't called. Or e-mailed. Or sent up smoke signals. Nothing. I'm thinking of e-mailing him, but what would I say? I just want to know the reason. All he would have to say is, "Euc, you're just too chubby and boring for me, I'm not interested, sorry." Or maybe he would have a reason that's something we could actually do something about. Or maybe he really has some legitimate reason. I don't know, I feel like if I send him an e-mail then I'll at least be opening up a window for him to explain to me in case he wants to. Maybe I'm intimidating? I doubt it, but you never know.

And I wonder, what am I doing with this singer? I don't know and I worry. I'm totally leading him on, aren't I? He and I basically only communicate through e-mail. I would never really want to be with him in real life, would I? Even if he would give me everything I want. Which he won't. Flik says I'm too picky. Is it true? He's too old. He's too short. These things are enough to eliminate him from my serious consideration. Two things--and neither of them are things he can control. But most likely we have other incompatibilities. We are very, very different. Not to mention the fact that he travels and he's not looking for a serious relationship anyway. We are just so wrong for each other. So why do I want him? Am I too naive to recognize simple lust when I feel it? Would I still want him if I were to come face to face with him? In real life our differences would be much more apparent. And we're looking for completely different things out of this. See? This is why internet relationships are bad. It's too easy to gloss over the bad stuff and just focus on the good things. It's too easy to imagine more than there is.