Streaks of common mud

2005-06-17 - 11:24 a.m.

"Prime numbers are what is left when you have taken all the patterns away. I think prime numbers are like life. They are very logical but you could never work out the rules, even if you spent all your time thinking about them."

It's interesting the way I react to people. For the most part I keep myself very aloof. I don't make attachments easily at all. But when I find someone I really and truly like, I suddenly want to throw myself into the relationship heart and soul. Only I don't do it because I'm afraid that if I do, I'll scare the other person away and I'd be left with nothing. So I keep myself aloof from the people I like, too, and wind up with nothing anyway. I'm working on it, though, slowly.

A few weeks ago I mentioned to Miko that I had had a dream in which he had rescued me from an attack by an 8-foot salmon while we were swimming in the ocean. I left out the detail that in my dream Miko was 25 years younger than he is now and he was totally hot, but that's beside the point. Miko, as I've mentioned before is an Eskimo. Although I don't know to which tribe he belongs, he lives on a nearby rez. Yesterday he pulled me aside at work and presented me with a dreamcatcher, "so you won't need me to rescue you." I thought that was really sweet. It's hanging by my bed now.

My other friend recently of course has been Kitten. It feels good to actually have people I truly consider to be friends.

I haven't been feeling very good about myself recently. I get down on myself about my weight and about my ugliness and about my incompetence at work. I know it's not good. I mean, I know that these things I think about myself are mostly true, although a bit exaggerated in my head sometimes, but it's not good for me to dwell on them the way I do. There, now I'm getting down on myself for how I get down on myself!