Without wires or thread

2005-12-03 - 6:40 p.m.

I'm such an idiot. How hard is it just to say "I love you?" It shouldn't be hard at all. Especially not to the man I'm in love with. But of course, you know me.

Lolo just walked me home from the theater. We held hands the whole way (all, what, 3 blocks?) and he shared a brownie with me that Licorice had given him for his birthday. When we got back to my gate we kissed. This was mostly instituted by me. I have no trouble with that now, at least. And the whole time I wanted to tell him I love him. The opportunity came up. Very obvious and easy opportunity. And it lasted for quite some time because when he would try to disengage I'd kiss him again to make it last longer. And then it began to pass. It wasn't as good as it was before, but it was still there. And then it wasn't. He was gone and I hadn't said it. Why? Why didn't I say it?

Yesterday was Lolo's birthday. He turned 30. We both had to work. He was working EOR and I was 1300. I had my lunchbreak at 4:30 and went upstairs to the OR pharmacy where he was working, by himself at that time. I brought him a sack of presents. I bought him a book, a DVD, and a bag of Hershey's Kisses. Not too exciting, but there was some thought into each of my selections. One little peck of a kiss (no pharmacy personnel there, but there were windows and OR people around), and that was it for the day.

The day before we went out to a bar for happy hour with a couple of his friends (the same ones I met before) and some of their friends. We were late (because Lolo picked me up and Lolo is very often late--I think I have to accept this because I'm very unlikely to change it) so we ended up having to sit at the very far end of the table with three little kids. We weren't much a part of the adult conversation that night--frankly I found it to be a bit boring, but that was probably my own fault for not being more outgoing. I had stayed up late the night before working on a project--a present for Lolo, but not a birthday present. I've finished it now (I wanted to give it to him that day, but I didn't finish it in time) and I'm hoping to give it to him tomorrow if I have the nerve. Afterwards he took me on a driving tour of all the places he's ever lived since moving out of his parents' home--two apartments in the University District and a townhome in Eastlake--and then dropped me off at home. A few kisses in his car before leaving. I'm telling you, I haven't been getting my fill of him these days. Not even close. Last night when I got inside I looked at our work schedule and saw that we only have two of the same days off over the next four weeks. I started crying right there. I need him more than that!

Today we worked together again. We both worked 7-3:30, but he worked central and I worked decentral so we didn't see each other much at all. After work we met up and headed down to the theater to see Rent. It was pretty good. Interesting in that they shuffled up all the songs but still ended up with pretty much the same story. Somewhat annoying in that I kept being distracted by the differences between the play and the movie. And today is our three month anniversary.

Tomorrow, at last, I get to be with Lolo. We're going out with his friends (the same ones from before) to a jazz club. We're going to see someone they've seen before. He lent me her CD today (I haven't listened to it yet). Afterwards we're going back to his place and he's invited me to stay the night (we both have Monday off). I'm planning on giving him the thing I made for him and using the code word. Do you think I really will? Please let me have the gumption!