Thinking up ways to take up less space

2005-12-12 - 8:20 p.m.

Ok, last warning: I'm going to lock this journal tomorrow. The password will be "locked" and I'm just going to use "eucalia" as the username.

I was thinking today about how I give all these very dangerous drugs to all these patients without hardly giving it a second thought. I'm not reckless or careless or anything like that, but still. And here I am totally nervous about taking something relatively benign like birth control pills. It's so silly.

On a similar but completely different track, it seems like everyone at work (or their spouse) is pregnant these days! Well, ok, not everyone. But I just learned of a fourth one today. That seems like a lot. First it was Buzz's wife, then Blinky, then one of my favorite evening shift technicians' wife, and today another girl who works in the pharmacy who's function I don't actually understand. None of these people are far enough along to start showing yet. It makes me want to be pregnant too. Only of course I want to be married and secure first, don't worry. But for the first time in my life I can actually begin to imagine myself with a baby. Even in my imagination it's not all easy and fun, but still it seems like something I can see myself doing.

Two of our pharmacists, Deep and Minnie, recently passed the test for board certification for pharmacotherapy. That's a pretty major deal. Scooter took the test too, but she didn't pass. There are only around 2000 people in this country who've passed this exam. So of course I'm thinking, why not me? I could be board certified! I could put a few more letters behind my name! Why not? Well, first of all because I'm way too dumb. But that could be overcome with enough will power. Also it's very expensive--it costs nearly $1000 just to take the exam and the certification has to be renewed every 7 years. And the other question is: what's the point? What does being board certified get a person? If I worked for the government I would get a raise, but I don't so I wouldn't. Pretty much it's just prestige, I guess. It's that opportunity for everyone who sees those four extra letters behind my name to say, "oh wow, cool." Also, presumably if I pass the exam I would actually learn a bit and be more knowledgeable. And then in an effort to not lose my hard-earned certification I would stay knowledgeable for the rest of my career. No matter how you look at it, that's a good thing.

Today Banana brought me a present. It's a thank you present for trading shifts with her on Thanksgiving day. I was scheduled to work during the day and she was scheduled to work the evening. Since I had celebrated Thanksgiving early with my parents I offered to trade shifts with her so she could be off during Thanksgiving dinner. It seemed only fair: why should I be off doing nothing while someone who wants to be off has to work? At least that's how I explained it to Banana. Now I'm feeling guilty because that seems a little too selfless. My real reason for wanting to switch was entirely selfish. I didn't want to be alone and lonely for Thanksgiving dinner. Being at work was preferable to being by myself. (Actually, after I agreed to trade with Banana, another pharmacist invited me over to her house for Thanksgiving dinner which could've been fun if I'd still been free, but at the time of the trade I had no plans but lonely.) I wish she would've just said thank you and left it at that. I don't deserve a gift because of this.