Day One

2002-08-25 - 7:50 p.m.

Hello world!

Maybe I shouldn't say that since I don't particularly want the world to be reading my journal entries...but whatever, it's my journal I can do what I want.

Actually what I really wanted to talk about was the dream I had last night. It was pretty funky and somewhat X-rated and I'm not sure it's the best way to start out a brand new journal, but oh well, welcome to my world.

OK, the dream. To start out with, I was sick. I don't know what was wrong with me, but I felt really crappy. So I went to the doctor's office. The doctor was Dr. Swan (my optometrist in real life). Her office was like one of the clinics that I'm working in now. I guess it was Del Paso. She walked in and started examining me and pretty soon a whole bunch of other people walked in--turns out this is a teaching clinic. So she was examining me and these people were watching. In my dream I knew them (although I can't remember who they are now) but was feeling so horrible that I didn't even care that they were looking at me. Somehow through the course of the examination Dr. Swan discovered that I was past due for my next PAP smear. So after she was done examining me she called in the PAP smear specialist who happened to be Donnie (the super-hot pharmacist at my clinic in real life). So in walked Donnie all hot and nice and gentle. He kicked out all the people who were watching and got me set up in the stirrups. I was still feeling horrible but now I was also nervous and uncomfortable too. Donnie started talking to me about whatever, I guess just to take my mind off of what his hands were doing, as if that was possible. Of course before doing the PAP smear he was going through the entire pelvic exam. At first he was just touching my tummy to get me used to his touch and then he slipped into his conversation "OK, I'm going to start getting down to business," and did so while continuing to chat amiably about whatever. I had my eyes closed the whole time because I really didn't want to see what was going on, but occasionally I would open them just enough to get the general idea. I was fairly surprised to see that Donnie was basically up to his elbows in me. Then he slid his arm out and started doing the rectal part of the examination with his elbow, which also surprised me. I think the surprise of that observation woke me up.

OK, Stretch just called. He's on the phone now. Blah blah blah. There's another topic worth discussing some day. Too bad this diary doesn't come with advice. How long do you think I'll be on the phone? It's 8:05 now. Oh wow, I was rescued, someone knocked on his door and it's only 8:15. Oh man, I'm a horrible person. I have to do something about this whole situation. Maybe I should discuss this topic now while it's on my mind. What to do, what to do. OK, here's the situation: I have a boyfriend and I think I don't love him anymore. Did I ever? I must've! Yes, I did. Tomorrow will be the two year anniversary of when we met. We started casually dating in September and were "official" in January. Why did it take so long? Because he couldn't decide whether or not he liked me that way. I, on the other hand, was totally gone on him. I blush thinking back on some of the things I did to try to win him over. No, no, nothing dirty! But then finally he decided he did like me. He told me he loved me and I said, "Ok, good night!" and drove off. It's like all I wanted was to get him to love me. Once I had that it was enough. But that can't be. But it seems like we switched positions that day. From that day on he's been gone on me and I've been trying to decide whether or not I like him. I've been letting this go on for a year and half. I need some serious help. No, back then I did love him. Most of the time. I went through periods when I wasn't sure, but for the most part, I loved him. But he is my first boyfriend. It took me 21 years to get my first boyfriend. I feel like if I get rid of him I may never get another. And I really want a family of my own. So what am I doing? At the moment I have my eyes open. My unofficial plan is to keep him around and if someone else comes along, then I can get rid of him. I'm so horrible. What I would love to do is sort of put him on the shelf for a while. So I can go out and look for someone else and start dating other people but if none of them work out then he will still be there for me to fall back onto. Of course I can't do that. I guess that's it. I want to get rid of him but I'm afraid that if I do I will be getting rid of the best thing that ever happened to me. But then I have to think, can I really put up with him for the rest of my life? I mean, the guy likes to argue. Ok, ok, he likes to debate. To me it's the same. I hate it. He loves it. The guy gets sick on car rides. I love road trips. The guy has no sense of balance and is afraid of heights. I love to rock climb. The guy likes to run. I like to enjoy the scenery and have no love for running. The guy hates to read. I love to read. The guy won't shut up. I love to enjoy the silence. The guy listens to Chicago and Huey Lewis and the News and loves to ridicule country. I'm not giving up my country music! The guy is hornier than a...well yeah, he's a horny bastard. I like to sleep. OK, so why do I like him? Well...he's tall and he has big hands :) OK, why else? He has a large vocabulary and he's intelligent and he has a secure financial future. Oh that brings me back to things I don't like. He thinks money is the center of the universe, I don't really give a shit about it. Back to things I like...he can't lie. Oops, that brings up another thing I hate, he can't keep a secret either. But if he can't keep a secret then he won't be able to cheat on me, right? Also I don't think he would cheat on me. He's very loyal and he wants a family and he's ok with starting a family soon. But he's such a jerk sometimes! Everything has to be his way or else it's absolutely wrong. It has to be from Butte County or its inferior. No school could ever possibly even dream of competing with Butte College (!) in any way. Words from his brother's mouth might as well be words from God, they are absolutely the truth, don't dare question them. Big streets with four lanes on them are scary. No town should be bigger than Durham, ever. OK, maybe Redding and Chico are ok. But heck, with those two cities in this world, why do we need any others? The government should stay in Washington and not pay any attention to anything else. If the government has touched it, it is bad. Unless it has the word "Republican" stamped on it, then it is acceptable. Wait, wait, I'm listing good things. Good things. Um...he loves me. He thinks I'm beautiful. Oops, that brings up another bad thing. He doesn't REALLY think I'm beautiful. He may have SAID it, but that doesn't mean he THINKS it. How do I know this? One day the bastard said to me, "Euc, you are the most beautiful woman in the world," ok, doing good so far, "even if nobody else thinks so." You fucker. I mean, seriously, I don't think I'm beautiful by any stretch of the imagination, but it is absolutely unnecessary for my boyfriend to tell me that the rest of the world agrees with me. So ok, let's recap the good things: He's tall, he's financially secure, he's loyal, he loves me, he likes kids, he knows how to jump-start a car...did I miss anything? That can't be enough. OK, so what will we do together? Nothing outdoors, the outdoors is for running through. Not listen to music, I refuse to take the time to appreciate his music if he won't even hear a country song in passing without making fun of it. Sports? The only sports worth doing are running and swimming and I'm no good at either. Travel? No, we'd have to pull over every half-mile to puke in the bushes. I don't know, what's left? I guess we'll sit around and talk about drugs all day or something. I don't know. I'm so sad. Despite all this he is still my friend. I really need some advice. I tried being bitchy and hoping that would convince him to dump me, but no luck. I guess that's just too unnatural for me (ha ha!) I promised him once, long ago, that if ever I would dump him, I would do it in person. Well...the best I could do is get him to not ask me to marry him this summer. I've been thinking about the best way to dump him. I think I really need to be able to argue my case. I know whatever happens it will turn into a debate. Although superficially it seems like I've made up my mind about what I need to do, deep down I still haven't.

Ok, I'm sick of talking about that. You know, that ad in the newsletter about the opening at Quincy Drug has been taunting me. I went and checked out Quincy's web page (http://www.psln.com/qchamber/index.html). I thought it was interesting that the town is so small they can actually give exact numbers when it comes to demographics. For example, if I were to move there it would increase the number of people in my age group in the BA+ category to 10. Wow. $650 a month to rent a 3 bedroom 2 bath house in town. I wonder if it would be bad for me to e-mail the owner of Quincy Drug to find out about salary and benefits. One of the main problems is that when I finish my residency I will be overqualified to work there. Stretch could work there. He might even like it, other than the fact that you have to drive up a little windy road to get there and its 70 miles away from Mommy. But still, even if he worked there, there's no place in Quincy where I could be a clinical pharmacist. I wonder how things work in the Plumas District Hospital (www.pdh.org). When Gramma was there there was only one other patient. Oh man, that sounds boring as hell. Hmm...there are 25 households in Quincy that bring in $100,000+. What do you think those people do? Do you think that includes the pharmacist who owns Quincy Drug? Of the 4600 people in Quincy, only 1800 are employed? That doesn't sound so good to me...sounds like if I worked at Quincy Drug I would be REALLY familiar with MediCal. Well, if I were to move to Quincy, I would definitely be giving up any big dreams of pharmacy-land...but on the other hand, maybe there are all sorts of opportunities just waiting for someone like me. Also, if I were there, would there be any opportunities to meet new guys? Would I want my children to grow up in such a backwards little behind-the-times place as Quincy? Ha ha, I just checked out the PDH web page. First of all, they don't have any openings for pharmacists. Secondly, the pharmacists didn't even rank high enough to make it onto the staff page. Thirdly, all the doctors are married old farts anyway!

OK, I'm thinking this is quite enough blabbering for my first journal entry.

Good night world!