Raise up our glasses against evil forces!

2002-09-04 - 10:30am

I'm bored as hell and wondering what's going to become of me. If you don't want to read the ramblings of a more than slightly depressed and possibly self-pitying girl, then I'd suggest you just skip this entry and come back another day. What's wrong? Oh, the usual. I'm feeling completely useless and stupid and wondering how I got here and why and what the hell am I going to do now that I'm here. I just read a journal entry posted by a friend of a guy I met online. In this entry she stated that she has put her life on hold while picking a direction to continue in. She says, "I should have just kept walking. Chances are I would have been there by now...and if not there then SOMEWHERE." Well I am someone who has always done that--just kept walking. At the end of my junior year in high school I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. So I just started walking. I figured I could sort things out while on my way to SOMEWHERE. But I never did figure things out. Now here I am somewhere and still lost. I am a 23 year old pharmacist--even all my students are older than I am. I did it. I kept walking and never fell down, never even really stumbled. But now that I'm here I'm wondering if this is where I want to be. Maybe it would've been better to choose a direction before starting. At the moment I feel so hopeless. Will I ever be good at what I do? Will I ever be able to make wise decisions about anything? Will I ever be able to stop calling patients at home to tell them I've changed my mind about their drug therapy? I want to run away and leave this all behind. And I hate that. I'm not a quitter. But right now I really want to quit. Just throw my hands up and say I give up and go join the typing-pool or something. Ha! This bit of self-pity is almost working. I suddenly have an urge to kick some figurative ass. Bring it on, I'll show you I'm better than you think.

I e-mailed Slick last night and she has agreed to switch weekends with me so I don't have to work the Sunday after the Giants game which is a night game. After reading her e-mail it occurred to me that the 15th is the 3rd Sunday in September. Do you know what that means? It means that I will be available to go to the volleyball open gym down at the community center. Further, Stretch will be with me on Sunday morning and there is a distinct possibility that I could convince him to go with me. He doesn't like volleyball, but I think he would go, especially if I asked nicely and early. I'm throwing this out there as proof that I am, indeed, a bitch. I don't want to be with him, but I'm willing to use him for my own purposes. Why do I want to go to the open gym? To meet people (guys) with similar interests. So basically I'd be using my not yet ex-boyfriend to help me meet possible future boyfriends. There, *now* do you think I'm a bitch? Of course I'm not thinking it will be helpful to meet guys by coming in with my boyfriend, but its not like I have to make an announcement about it. We could be just friends, or he could be my brother even, for all they know. Or open gym could suck and there could be nobody there except little girls and fat old men.

This morning at the staff meeting I talked to Lee a little bit. She's a 3rd year from UOP so she's in Stretch's class. Today she came up to me and said, "I didn't know you were dating Stretch!" I feigned innocence, "You didn't?" Most people I work with don't even know I have a boyfriend, let alone who he is. She went on to fawn over what a cute couple we must make and how wonderful Stretch is. It irritates me that I can't help but blush whenever someone talks about the two of us.

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I wrote all of the above while I was at work this morning. I'd just like to add that I managed to survive my 5k run today without tripping over my tongue. It took me 39:18.