Chalk it up to a lack of experience

2002-09-10 - 7:39 p.m.

Hello hello!

I guess I've basically had an uneventful day. Throughout the day things would come into my head and I would think to myself, "I should write about that in my journal." But now here I am ready to write something in my journal without much of anything to say. I could rehash my day, but it wasn't very exciting the first time around, perhaps there is no need for a second time. So I'm going to talk about something else.

Something that I am not proud of. But of course we cannot undo what has been done. All we can do is to start from now and work to do everything as right as possible. Do you already know what I'm going to talk about? I bet you do. I'm not proud of what I've done and am doing to Stretch. I'm embarrassed about it, actually. I'm being so unfair. I should've ended it all a long time ago. I just don't know how. And...you know what? I don't think there's anybody in this world who really hates me. I mean, lots of people probably think I'm boring and/or stupid, but I don't think anyone hates me. With the possible exception of some people I was mean to in elementary school. He will though, after we break up. Suddenly I will sprout horns and a tail. Maybe that's what's wrong with my foot--it's turning into a hoof. But it's ok, I can be hated and still live. But I'm so stupid to have let it get so far out of hand. I let it go way too far. I lost sight of what was important. I was more interested in the picket fence dream than the reality of life. I haven't lost that dream, but I think the reality of life is getting more and more...real. Do you think this will be a pattern I will fall into? I never pictured myself as a heart-breaker. I'd really rather not be. I hope people don't take this as an example of the way I will be. I'm so inexperienced.

And that paragraph just took me over an hour to write and it ended up not having a point or even making much sense, so I'm just going to leave it for tonight. Good night!