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Silent but deadly
2002-09-22 - 8:48 p.m.
Not last night, but the night before, I had a very weird dream. I'm talking so weird that I've been considering not posting it. Also because it deals with somewhat delicate subject matter. But after all, it's just a dream, right? Just because I dreamed it does not mean I feel that way. So keep that in mind if you're reading this. Anyway, the dream took place at the coast. Oh, also I should mention that this was one of those disjointed dreams where things shift suddenly and inexplicably but for some reason that doesn't bother me. I'll try to make it coherent for you, though. OK, so on the coast in Northern Cali there are usually rolling hills, then a sharp cliff, then a few yards of beach, and then the ocean. This was no different. At the top of the cliff, nestled between two hills, were Zed, Stretch, and Somnambulist. They wanted me to decide right there and then which one of them I was going to marry that evening. I didn't want to marry anybody, at least not that night! But somehow I felt forced to do so. I could narrow down my choices pretty easily. I told Zed he is a big jerk so just leave me alone. He swore at me and then drove away in a red pick-up truck. That left Stretch and Somnambulist. I couldn't decide so I told them I needed to think about it and then climbed down the cliff to the beach, leaving Stretch and Somnambulist eyeing each other jealously. When I got to the beach there were a bunch of people down there. They kept turning into birds and flying away and birds kept flying in and turning into people. The people were just milling around on the beach aimlessly. Then I saw Lynn (the NP from Capital) and went over to say hi. We chatted for a while and then she said she was leaving so I decided I would go with her. There were round boards about 6 inches in diameter sticking out of the cliff face and we used those to pull ourselves up the cliff without using our legs. I was impressed with my upper body strength. I have never been able to do a pull-up, let alone climb a cliff without using my legs. When we got to the top Lynn walked away and I went back to where Stretch and Somnambulist were waiting. Then I told Somnambulist that I had never met him in real life, how could we promise the rest of our lives to each other if we don't even know if we can stand five minutes in each other's presence? He walked away sulkily and that left Stretch. He walked over to me with a big grin on his face, took me in his arms, and started kissing me. I was thinking, "Well, if I'm going to marry him, I might as well get used to this," but then I saw Lynn walking. I pushed away from Stretch and told him I decided I was going to marry Lynn instead. So I ran to catch up with Lynn and then we walked side by side across the hills to the wedding altar which was set up right on the edge of the cliff. As we were walking she changed into Kelly Bengle (a girl I went to high school with). Then we were on the altar, both of us in flowing white wedding gowns, facing each other. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a blur of red streaking towards us. It was Stretch and he was furious. He smacked right into Kelly at top speed and the two of them went sailing over the edge of the cliff.
Recently I said something to someone and it was not taken in the way that I meant it. I think the situation has been cleared up now, but it still bothers me because I can't even tell where the confusion came from. I thought it was a very innocuous comment, or even complimentary or at least an expression of pleasure. And yet it was taken as...I don't know, a brush off? I really don't know. I don't like being lost like this. I'd like to at least understand my mistake so that I won't repeat it. But at the same time I don't like having to be super careful about what I say. Nor do I want the people I'm around to have to be super careful what they say.
Today has been a long day. The first thing that happened after I arrived at the hospital was a 19 year old kid died of meningitis. (Isn't it weird how if you're 19 and you die you're a kid but if you're 19 and you commit a crime you're a man?) He didn't come to the hospital until he was practically dead anyway. He coded three times last night before finally succumbing. He left behind a fairly large family and a girlfriend and it was all pretty depressing. We spent the next hour or so handing out prophylactic Cipro doses to everybody who was exposed. Bleah. It's been slow though, mostly. It's weird, when I looked at the clock and had 8 hours to go it wasn't nearly as bad as when I looked at the clock and had 3 hours to go. I guess that's not unusual, though. I mean when I'm running and I have 30 minutes to go it doesn't seem nearly as bad as when I have 10 minutes to go.
The TPN pharmacist at the hospital is the dad of a girl who I've been friends with since kindergarten. Other than my family, she's the person I've known the longest. Her mom was my Brownie troop leader. Anyway, today he brought pictures of me at age 8 or so to work. The only problem is they're not me. But I didn't have the heart to say so. I mean, they could be me. They're little blonde girls, but they're not me. I swear it. Of course everybody passed them around and laughed at how cute I was (especially the one with 6 girls in a bathtub). It's not hurting anybody to think some other little girl turned into me, right?
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