Help yourself to the nifedipine...be sure to chew it up

2002-09-26 - 10:00 p.m.

Actually, I wasn't going to write in here tonight. But quite suddenly I feel inspired. Mostly because I feel the need to apologize. Whether the need is really there or not, is another matter. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being such a dork. Such a wimp. I need to stand up for myself more often. Well, maybe not so much stand up for myself as stand up for other people. What happens to me isn't really as important as what happens to other people. I'm being horrible to two or three people. And its weird because I'm not used to this. How did I get into this position? Ugh. I feel like I'm leading everyone on. Where did this come from? I at least finally had the nerve to tell Stretch how I feel, even if I'm not sure that he believes me. I still haven't gotten up the nerve to tell Spike anything. I guess he's my biggest problem at the moment. Well...no, Stretch is my biggest problem, but Spike is the one I worry about the most. Because I don't understand. I swear, on Thursdays I wear baggier clothes, put my hair up, don't do anything about the zits on my face and generally try to be the world's least attractive pharmacist, as well as not bothering to be interesting or talkative. And yet he still called me this evening and asked me out several times. Why? What is his problem? And I'm embarrassed to say this, but I finally agreed to have lunch with him Monday because I couldn't think of an excuse. I mean I'd already gone through three of them. But why should I have to think of an excuse? Why don't I just say no thanks? Because I'm a horrible person! Hmm...really? Yes, really! I suck. And then there's Somnambulist. So, I'm already having issues with two guys, why am I throwing in a third? Because I want to! But...is it fair? He knows what he's getting into. Well, he doesn't really. He knows my situation, but he doesn't know me. Well, he knows me but he doesn't me. Actually, it's more like he knows me but he doesn't know me. Whatever. But I don't get it, why does he want to get himself into this? But I want him to. Then again I don't. But really, I do. Have you ever noticed how much life can suck?