A Three Kleenex Night

2002-10-11 - 11:23 p.m.

Life is a funny thing. I have an ex-boyfriend. My first. It's weird. If I had written how I feel about this last night, it would've been completely different from how I feel about it right now. I ended up not keeping my promise to him. I broke up with him through MSN messenger. Is that lame? I don't know. But I never could've done it over the phone. Not that I couldn't have worked up the courage, but he wouldn't have let me get a word in edgewise. My next opportunity to drive up to Redding would've been a week from today. Which means that to break up with him face to face, I would've somehow had to keep things going for a whole week. I just couldn't do that anymore. I'd had it. Or...he'd had it. He wasn't standing for my evasive maneuvers any longer. I was left with tell him what was on my mind or lie to him. Ok, so the break up itself was very civil. At least as far as I could tell. You know it's hard sometimes to interpret things through typed conversations. I was a bit amazed at how long he held on to the idea, "How can I fix this?" Even after I said it's beyond fixing. The part that gets me is him. I don't like what I did to him. But in all honesty, I am so relieved! I feel so incredibly liberated. Throughout the whole conversation I was fine. Outwardly fine. In fact my mom was reading a book in the same room and she's still clueless about what happened. After we finally said an awkward good night and I had shut down my computer, then I cried. I cried three Kleenexes worth. Then I was done. Walked through the kitchen and discovered that my dad forgot to take one of his pills. Took it and a glass of water to him and made him take it. Then I went to bed and read the rest of "Tuck Everlasting."

Then there was today. It was so normal. I'm not sad. I was almost happy. Am I horrible? I don't know, but I'm taking this as a sign that I did the right thing. And I feel like my possible futures have just multiplied exponentially. Suddenly I'm free. If I want to go work in a hospital in Alaska (for example), I can. If I want to vote liberal, I can. If I want to go on a road trip to Montana, I can. If I want to get drunk off my ass and fuck every man I can get my hands on, I can. I can do whatever I want to do. Don't try to stop me.

Tonight he sent me an e-mail. It said he still has my pharmacy law book, do I want it back? He promised Katherine he would go to the Rho Pi Phi formal in May with me, will I? And if I suddenly change my mind and decide I want to marry him after all, I have his number. Geez, keep the book, go to the dance with Katherine, and...eh, right-o.

Like I said, life really has just been chugging along more or less like normal for me. After work I went to the gym. I ran for 40 minutes at 5.5mph without slowing down. I went 3.67 miles, approximately. I ran the first 5k in 33:49, which seems to be how long it takes to run 5k at 5.5mph. I did that on Monday too, only on Monday I forgot to set the incline, so it didn't count. On Wednesday I got on an evil malfunctioning treadmill that shut itself off several times during my run, thus causing serious havoc with my numbers.

After a lovely shower, I went with my parents to Fresh Choice. This time they did not have sprinkles. Damn. I should've written that positive reinforcement letter.

After dinner I hung out with my parents. They didn't head off to bed until after 11. You know, I've only told one person about Stretch and I. For some reason the people I dread telling the most are my parents. Why is that? I get along really well with my parents. I mean, they're practically my best friends. In fact, they are my best friends within a 100-mile radius. And yet as soon as something personal comes up, they are just about the last people I would talk to about it. I'd rather talk to complete strangers on the street. I'm sure Stretch has told lots of people. He's not one to keep a secret. Probably as soon as he got offline with me he called up his brother and told him the whole story. Probably his whole family now thinks I am evil incarnate. Actually, I'd probably better never go anywhere near the town of Durham.

And for those of you who gave yourselves hernias laughing over the idea of me getting drunk and actually fucking someone, that was an example of something I could do, not something I would do. Get ahold of yourself.