Lost

2002-10-10 - 2:08 p.m.

I never answered Stretch's e-mail last night and I never signed in to AIM. He didn't call me and I didn't call him. He sent me two more e-mails full of hurt and pain and I think a phone call is more or less inevitable tonight...heh, a disadvantage of DSL! But I know I need to talk to him. The thing is I promised I would break-up with him face to face if ever I should do so, and I really don't see this lasting any longer if there is any sort of communication between us. But even so, I'm still not sure. Am I throwing away the best thing that ever happened to me? Perhaps. Am I throwing away the best thing that ever will happen to me? I don't know. And I'm scared. What if this is all a horrible mistake. According to Mr. Covey love is a verb first, then a noun. If you do the verb, the noun will come. I'm not someone who believes that there is only one person for each of us. There must be a whole bunch of people who would be right for me. The problem is meeting these people and discovering the compatibility. But back to Stretch. How should I do this? In his e-mails he has started to become accusatory and I suppose most of the things he is accusing me of are true. In response I felt myself getting angry and defensive. But that is the reaction of someone who wants this to last. I don't want to turn it around and blame him. He's not at fault for anything besides being himself. "It's not you, it's me." What a cliche. How unbelievable. Ok, yes, after two years I've changed my mind. But the fact is, I've been unhappy for quite some time now. For over a year! Even during my Disneyland trip with the girls in May '01 I was unhappy. I remember discussing it with Flik and Tigger. Flik encouraged me not to "settle" and Tigger encouraged me to examine to see if he was what I wanted. Inaction won out over action and I stayed. Stretch says that I no longer even provide common courtesies. That last time I talked to him was Tuesday. I told him, "I'm tired and distracted and I'm in a bad mood." A smart man would back off after such a statement. "I'm in a bad mood" = "Don't push me." It's as simple as that.