Giggle loop

2006-02-18 - 10:49 a.m.

Lolo and I are getting through our first rough patch. Hopefully we'll be stronger for this in the end. It's amazing that this whole thing was set off by a bad case of the giggles. And I'm astounded that this whole thing happened without me even really realizing it. While I was giggling uncontrollably, I knew it wasn't a good thing, but I didn't realize I was hurting him. And I certainly had no idea how badly I was hurting him. Then the following morning I got that e-mail from him telling me how I had made him feel. I invited him over to my place for dinner and we talked about it a bit and I apologized and tried to reassure him. I thought we were better.

But the next day he sent me another e-mail in which he made it clear that he was still hurting and that he was still bitter (happily he ended it by saying "I still love you," if he hadn't I'm sure I would've been a mess). As it was, I read this at work (where Minnie had called in sick so I was covering both CCU and tele once again) and spent the whole rest of the day trying to focus on work but really feeling horrible again. When I got home I sent him a short e-mail saying "Please don't be bitter. I'm so sorry I was insensitive. Hurting you is the last thing I want to do. I can't stand that I did. Please foregive me." And then I cried and cried. A few hours later he sent one back saying that of course I was forgiven, but when I was laughing and not telling him why he couldn't help but think that I was laughing at him, that I've only said the things I say to be nice, that I don't really love him and he tried to explain his insecurities by telling me about his childhood and an ex-girlfriend. I don't know, in a way blaming current hurts on old histories feels like just an excuse to me, but it's good to know more of his history. In this e-mail he didn't tell me he loved me. He ended it by saying he was going to stay home and do chores this weekend but if I'd like to "catch lunch or a see a movie" I should let him know. I took it to mean he wanted his space this weekend. I cried and cried some more. I know this is my fault, but it still hurts that he could so quickly conclude that I don't really love him, that this has all been a cruel trick. It's been a long time since I've cried so much.

Then a few minutes later he sent me another e-mail: "Hey, will you still be awake when I get off at 930? If so, could I come over?" I was so relieved. He left work early to come to my place. When he first came in it was a little awkward. He didn't take off his coat or even his backpack. I still don't know how hard to push (even though this has taught me that I need to ask) so I let him take it at his own pace. We didn't say too much at first, just held on to each other, but finally he took off his pack and his coat and I told him he could take off his shoes too if he wanted. He did and we moved to the couch in our mutual foot-rub position. We talked about random stuff for a while and then eventually he apologized for causing a mess. I said I was sorry too and asked if he had ever doubted me before. He said no and I told him I'd try to never let him doubt me again.

He scooted around behind me to hold me in his arms and then told me a much more detailed version of the story of his relationship with his last girlfriend. They were friends for several years before they started going out, but after only a few weeks of dating she transformed into a monster and put him through quite a bit of shit. So his trust in good things staying good has been somewhat shaken. I wanted to reciprocate by telling him about my insecurities, but I didn't because I wasn't sure it would be appropriate (this was about me hurting him, not him hurting me) and also I was tired and I wasn't sure I could adequately say what I wanted to say. We held onto each other a bit more, made plans for him to spend the night Sunday, and then he went home.

I'm thinking now that I should've told him about my insecurities. But I'm still afraid that telling him that I worry that he's lost interest in me whenever we spend more than a day or two apart or when he says he'd rather not be with me at the moment or when I feel like I've been the one making all the invitations to get together will make him think I'm too clingy. And should I tell him about my childhood and ex-boyfriend reasons for feeling insecure? Should I tell him about how my ex only asked me out to get a few of my friends to stop harrassing him about it? About how he and I went out for four months before he decided he liked me enough to kiss me? About how after breaking up after going out for two years and him declaring I was irreplacable it took him less than a month to find someone new? Should I tell him about how as a kid I was constantly compared unfavorably to my brother leaving me with minimal self-confidence? I don't know.

But I think we're getting through this bit.