Tethered with tears in their eyes

2006-02-16 - 7:12 p.m.

Yesterday evening a bad thing happened. I attribute it to an accumulation of stress plus sleep deprivation, but it doesn't make things any better. What happened? Well, I got the giggles. In bed. Oh dear, yes, there we were, Lolo and I, naked, when all of a sudden I started laughing. I have no idea why. I'm sure there must've been a reason, but I don't remember it now. But then I thought of bedroom advice Azuma had given to me several months ago: it's never funny, don't laugh. And I couldn't stop. I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt and tears were coming out of my eyes. Every time I would just about recover it would start again. What was poor Lolo to think? Of course he got all self-conscious and insecure and thought that I was laughing at some aspect of his nakedness or perhaps at his bedroom skills. I was too obtuse to realize this, I was just embarrassed by my own laugh attack and, when I finally recovered, was afraid to talk about it for fear of setting it off again. And then we got up and had dinner, after which I promptly passed out even though it wasn't even eight yet. I couldn't believe how tired I was. It was a major effort to stay awake long enough to drive him home (I wished he would stay) and I fell into bed the moment I got back home.

This morning I got an e-mail from him explaining to me about how me laughing had made him feel. I felt so horrible for making him feel horrible. What's wrong with me? I also tend to be anti e-mail when it comes to explaining emotions, so invited him to dinner at my place again. I whipped a little something up to eat, but I was much more interested in telling him how I feel and trying to work away some of those insecurities. I was so nervous though. I don't even remember exactly what I said. I still have trouble telling him I love him, but I told him and tried to tell him that he doesn't have to worry about that changing and that I don't find anything about him absurd, I think he's amazing in every way. I don't know how well that all came out, but I think he got the general idea. Hopefully it helped.

But prior to my laugh attack, I had the best Valentine's Day ever. You know, I spent two Valentine's Days prior to this one with my ex but I can't remember a single one of them. I remember he got me flowers twice. Once was a single red rose given to me after I'd gone away to LA for a weekend with Flik, Tigger, Doodle and the Babe. The note he attached said he missed me while I was gone and that he thought I was crazy for going away just a few weeks before mid-terms. The second (and last) time was a dozen yellow roses given to me thirteen months later to wish me luck taking the California board exam. I went out with the guy for two years and he never figured out that I love flowers but dislike roses. And I can't even remember the Valentine's Days.

This Valentine's Day was awesome though. It felt to me like it was more of an excuse for Lolo and I to be together doing romantic things than a reason, you know? After I got off of work I went over to his place to pick him up. He gave me a large bouquet of flowers, a very tasteful mix. I took him back to my place where he cooked me a yummy dinner of home-made veggie pizza. I gave him that book about George Washington, a case for his camera, and a bath pillow with some bath salts. Then we went down to the 5th Avenue Theater and saw "The Wedding Singer" musical. It was really cute, but kept me up past my bedtime. When we got back to my place I was really sleepy and knew I had to get up early to go work a tele shift so we just slept. Just sleeping with him is truly wonderful. I love being wrapped in his arms and feeling him snuggled against me.

The next day we worked. We had three sick calls (this amazes me because I'd have to be at death's door before I'd call in sick) so I ended up having to cover the CCU along with tele and it was pretty busy and stressful for Lolo too. He came over to my place after work where we worked on finishing unfinished business from the night before...and that's when the laughing incident happened. Ugh.

In other news, I got a new vacuum cleaner the other day and today I got it out of its box. Unfortunately, assembly is required and I haven't felt up to that yet. It's still in pieces on my floor. One step at a time. Also, my kitchen faucet broke. It was getting harder and harder to turn on and off and I kept meaning to put in a work order to have my apartment building's fix-it guy fix it, but I never did and tonight it finally quit. Luckily it quit in the off position and not the on. I had to do tonight's dishes in buckets of water brought to the kitchen from the bathtub. Yes, I put in a work order. In the box that says "Description of problem" I wrote, "Kitchen faucet broken--won't turn on--please help!" Hopefully it will get fixed soon.