Afraid to say I'm scared

2007-02-18 - 8:42 a.m.

Yesterday Lolo and I went to a party. The excuse was the Lunar Near Year and it was put on by a friend of his from pharmacy school. A lot of the other people there were also his old pharmacy school classmates and friends. I was amazed at how different all the people were from me. Mostly they were friendly, but still I felt out of place. Ok, so I'm certainly not a party animal, so I wasn't exactly in my element, but still. I found it odd that Lolo didn't seem to be in his element either. And then I suddenly had a crisis of faith. "These are all Lolo's friends," I thought, "and I'm nothing like them--does he really like me?" I know, it's insane, but that thought crossed my mind.

And then, much worse, Lolo's ex-girlfriend showed up. I hate this girl for what she did to him. She walked in the door very late with wet hair and looked very unimpressive to start with. Then she was introduced to me and I felt myself bristling involuntarily. I wanted to hurt this girl. And then everything she did made me like her less. Probably the fact that I hated her before I met her didn't help, but I'm fairly sure I wouldn't have liked her anyway. She was obnoxious. She drank way more than anyone else there and she was there for less time. Every time I looked at her I felt hate and revulsion. How could Lolo have ever been interested in this girl? I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt--maybe she was less horrid a few years ago when she was his thing, maybe last night was an off night for her. Maybe, but it didn't seem that way. And then crept in my self doubt. I'm a tall, blonde, athletic, small-boobed, quiet, respectful teetotaler. She is exactly the opposite. How did he ever end up with me? Am I really what he wants? During their short-lived relationship he had sex with her. The thought makes me want to vomit.

Jealousy.

It's silly and I know it's silly. His relationship with her was rocky and short. His relationship with me is fairly smooth and it's going to last forever. Obviously I'm more what he wants than she ever could be. But still, the jealousy nags.

After we got home last night I brought it up with him. I just felt like I needed to not have it trapped inside. I didn't tell him the extent of my jealousy, I just said something like, "How did you ever end up with me? I'm so different from your friends." He said, "I got lucky," and then continued to reassure me with things that I already knew but were nice to hear him say anyway.