Operation Savaglobagoo

2005-02-20 - 7:41 p.m.

This morning I set my alarm for fairly early so I could get up and walk down to the ferry terminal. I rode the ferry across the sound to Bainbridge Island. I stood out on the deck the entire trip. It was cold and windy, but it was so beautiful and incredibly worth it. Today is the first day since I've been in Seattle that it was clear enough to see Mt. Baker. So as you can imagine it was clear enough to see the Cascades, the Olympics, and Mt. Rainier, too. I got breakfast at a little coffee shop and took it outside and ate it on a bench overlooking a wharf. Then I walked. I walked north along streets as close to the shore as possible until I got to Manitou Beach where I could actually walk on the beach. The houses along the road there have such an awesome view. I think living in one of those houses would make the commute across the sound worthwhile.

Sometimes I'm such a little kid. As I was walking back along the beach I came across a glob of goo on the beach. And really, who among us can resist poking it with a stick when we find a glob of goo on the beach? (Hey, put your hand back down!) So I found myself a stick and, yeah, I was poking it when I suddenly felt very sorry for it and began wondering if this jellyfish really was dead. Thus began Operation Savaglobagoo. Using my stick and a flat rock I found, I managed to get the jellyfish back into the water. I discovered, though, that it's really hard to tell whether a jellyfish is alive or not. I mean they don't do much, do they? Oh well, I sorta figured that not having an actual brain or circulatory system, the thing could stand significantly more abuse than you and me. Once it was back in the water the thing unfurled and looked more like a jellyfish and less like goo. So maybe I saved it. Or maybe I just threw a glob of goo in the water.

City in a shell
(Mouseover fun!)

So Wednesday night as Magellan dropped me off at my place I asked him if he'd like to get together this weekend. He said, yeah, sure, he'll probably be on call Saturday morning but after that would be fine. I basically spent Saturday waiting by my phone. Nothing. Last night before I went to bed I got an e-mail from him saying that he was sorry but he'd been called in Saturday and he'd probably be busy Sunday, too. He assumed I'd get Monday off for President's Day (which I don't) and asked if I'd like to get together Monday. I'm annoyed. It always seems like it's such a hassle trying to find time to spend with him. I get the feeling that he's unsure whether I want to be with him so he's nervous about asking me. I could easily be wrong about that, of course. I feel like telling him, "I want to spend time with you! When you're free please call me!" Hmm...maybe I really should tell him that.

Sometimes it's really hard to figure out what I'm feeling and what I want. It's funny, today I was told by a man at least 11 years my senior that he wants to make love to me. The funny thing is that a month or two ago that would've totally freaked me out. Today...how does it make me feel? I'm not sure. It's not entirely unpleasant, but at the same time...I guess I find it worrisome. I mean, I don't really think I've given this man any reason to believe that I actually would have sex with him. And also, he's made it plain that if this happened (which it most likely won't, I'm just pondering out loud here), it would not be anything serious. I mean, it would just be for fun. His words were, "I'm not really in a position to be committed to anyone." What does that mean? He's married? He has a terminal disease? Yeah, whatever. Or just because he's traveling a lot? I don't know.

Sometimes I wonder what the big deal is. I mean, why not just have sex with whoever strikes your fancy? But...I'm not like that. I think sex should be a lot further down the road in a relationship. Marriage first? Well, not necessarily. But at least some sort of commitment. But why? Am I just being snooty? What's the big deal? Is it just old-fashioned ideals that have been instilled in me? Are these just other people's opinions that I'm acting on or do I really have a reason for feeling and acting this way?