No tickie this time

2003-01-12 - 9:06 a.m.

Yesterday I went to Yosemite. It was beautiful. There was a lot of snow on the ground and the weather was pretty nice. And there was a lot of water in the waterfalls. Which was surprising. Usually at this time the waterfalls are fairly well frozen, but I guess it hasn't been that cold. We hiked up to Bridal Veil Falls and also to the base of Lower Yosemite Falls. Then we ate lunch at Curry Village and walked over Sentinel Bridge and around through Yosemite Village where we stopped for hot chocolate and then back to Curry Village. We left my house at about 6:00am, had breakfast in Stockton, stopped in Oakdale for gas, Groveland for a potty break, and then finally we were in Yosemite. My dad was driving as we entered the park. I'm glad it was him and not me because we got pulled over for speeding. Yeah, my dad. The guy who we always tease for going so darn slow. Anyway, we were pulled over by a park ranger with an attitude. He totally chewed my dad out. He was a big meanie, kept talking about how he was going so fast he was going to crash and then this poor park ranger would have to (and I quote) "stick large bore IVs in your arms and listen to you cry in the ambulance all the way to the hospital." I really wanted to tell him what he could do with his large bore IVs, but I decided my dad didn't need any help from the back seat. How could the guy know that my dad was born and raised in a small mountain town and has been driving windy snowy roads all his life? But the guy was so full of shit, too. He told my dad he was driving "nearly 50 in a 25 zone." About a mile after we got going again we passed a sign that said, "Reduced speed ahead" and then a 25mph sign. On the way back we checked it out and it was actually a 40mph zone. Anyway, the guy took my dad's drivers license and ran a background check and discovered my dad had absolutely no record, which I guess inspired him to let my dad off with only a warning. His actual words were, "No tickie this time, tickie next time." So after that my dad was completely paranoid about driving the speed limit and we had cars stacked up behind us forever and ever. Damned park ranger, we'll never get my dad to go fast again!

Yesterday, while sitting in the car for a total of 8 hours, I had time to do quite a bit of thinking. And I was thinking about guys a lot, a couple of guys in particular. And those guys, of course, were Stretch and Somnambulist. Thinking about Stretch was because last time I went to Yosemite in the winter I brought him with me. It was two years ago. We had our first kiss on the day after my birthday and then on Saturday he met my parents and we went to Yosemite for the day. He was introduced to my love of road trips and hiking crazy places and I was introduced to his motion sickness, lack of balance, and his proclivity towards PDAs (in the public displays of affection sense). Maybe I should've known right then that it wasn't going to work. I miss him, and yet I still think I did the right thing. I wish we were still friends at least. But...ah well.

And as for Somn, well, maybe I'll just throw in a little bit of what I was thinking. First of all, I was thinking about how the rules have changed. When he was counseling me about Stretch he said completely different things than what he was saying last week about himself, even though it's basically the same situation. This is something I wrote on 9/29/02: This reminds me of something Somnambulist is always saying. You know, the bit about how you shouldn't have to pretend to be happy. Isn't the same true with a relationship? [Stretch] told me it seems like I'm not even trying anymore. I told him I didn't think I should have to try too hard to be happy. If I tried hard enough I could be happy with anyone. But there's a difference between pretended happiness and true happiness. And I still think it's true. And another applicable thing which I wrote on 8/29/02 is: I've never really understood the way guys refuse to understand a polite no. To them a polite no means, maybe if you are more persistent you will be successful. Instead you have to make it plain that no really does mean no and further requests will also be declined so please lay off! At which point they think you're a bitch and promptly get defensive or even offensive. Although the bitch part might not be true in this case. I'd like to think it isn't, anyway. And then yesterday Somn wrote this: I've always lived my life one way: looking to the future. Some day, I'd tell myself, this will all be better, it'll all be what I want. That argument doesn't work anymore. Some would suggest living in the present but, without opening up an entire old argument, that is simply an asinine way to live. There is no way I will be happy with what I have or even the things I can see myself having. I could be doing my favorite things for the next 10 years straight nonstop but they'll never make me happy, not while I'm alone. I hate that I've taken away someone's ability to look to the future. But at the same time, how can anyone let one person take away that ability? The ability to hope and dream? Sure, right now might suck. Right now I'm not going to tell you to just be happy. But how can you preclude the possibility of ever being happy in the future? You can't. Life happens. Deal with it. Which reminds me of a song called "One Day Closer" by Carolyn Dawn Johnson. She sings about her soulmate:

Everyday I pray that God will keep you safe 
Cause I know you're out there somewhere
So I'm not gonna worry 
No I'm in no hurry 
It's in the hands of fate 
There's nothing I can do 
And it might be tomorrow 
Or the one that follows 
Got the rest of my life to look forward to 
Cause everyday is one day closer

I love the way she just prays to God to keep him safe instead of praying that she will meet him soon. It's just so...I don't know...liberating. She's so unconcerned. Life will be ok.

Well, enough of that, let me tell you about the dream I had last night, if only I could remember it. I dreamt that I had joined the armed forces. Which branch of the armed forces I don't remember. Me, Slick, and three other guys had just joined up and we were in our uniforms and about to be flown away to our stations in a helicopter. In the tail of the helicopter was one little tiny seat and Slick and I were expected to sit in it. We got in and the officer closed the door so we couldn't get out. Then we realized there wasn't nearly enough room. We were really squished and Slick kept wriggling around and making things worse. Finally we got to where we were going. My post was in a hospital. When I got inside I saw Stretch's oldest brother who has muscular dystrophy in a hospital bed looking very uncomfortable. Stretch was there too. I asked Stretch, "What can I do?" He showed me how to move his brother's body through the motions of an exercise and that would make him feel better. So I had his head in one hand and put my other hand under his knees and sort of folded him up and then stretched him out again over and over again. The brother smiled painedly but thankfully up at me and gave me tips on how to do it better as I was working. Then the dream skipped. I was still in that room but now there were some workers erecting some sort of memorial. I looked closer and saw Stretch's brother's name on it. He had died. I started to cry. Stretch put his arms around me and led me outside. I cried into his chest as he held me to him. Then the dream skipped again. I was back with the armed forces people. We were in a locker room. There was some sort of demonstration going on in the front of the locker room and we were sitting on the benches between the lockers watching. The people behind me hated me. They wanted to hurt me. But I had to watch the demonstration. If I turned around I would be in trouble. But if I didn't turn around they were going to hurt me. And then they attacked. I was fighting them off when the instructor came around and started yelling at me for not paying attention. I discovered that I could keep him at bay by giving him a hand job. But I couldn't give him a hand job and fight off my attackers at the same time. So I would fight them off and while they were recovering I would see to the instructor. When they came back I would fight them off again and I could usually knock 'em all across the room before the instructor came back to his senses enough to complain that I had stopped my ministrations.

And finally a quote from "Scrubs" that just might explain it all:

Elliot: I understand that transitioning back to being just 
friends is going to be difficult for you.
J.D.: Why?
Elliot: Because you're a guy.