A big, loving, fuzzy, purple fellow

2003-08-20 - 10:13 p.m.

I'm trying to figure out how long it's been since I was last lying down. The last time I was lying down was when I got up at 7am in Kyoto on the 19th. It's now a little after 10pm on the 20th here in Sacramento which means that it's a little after 2pm on the 21st in Japan at the moment. So that means it's been 55 hours since I was last lying down.

I got home from the airport today at about 3pm. Our championship volleyball match was at seven. Not only did I manage to stay awake, but we won, too! So I've got another T-shirt coming my way. Do you remember two weeks ago I mentioned that I completely forgot to go to one of our matches? Turns out that my team had to forfeit the match because they didn't have enough women. I feel so bad. Luckily, we still won the championship. There's a rumor going around that they (whoever "they" are) want to bump us up to a better division because we keep winning this one. I think that would be great. Of course I probably won't be around to play, though.

Anyway, Japan was cool. Beautiful. Horrible weather, though. It was either pouring rain or incredibly hot and humid at all times. Well, mostly, anyway. It was so interesting. It seemed as though everything was so similar to the way things are in America only everything was different too. It was like living in a slightly tweaked universe.

But what was the worst part of Japan, you ask? Oh, that is easily answered. Imagine you have recently disembarked from a 10-hour plane ride and you really need to pee. Not only that, but you're female, so urinals are out of the picture. Much to your relief, you quickly spot a sign with a red, roughly woman-shaped picture on it and rush off to take care of business. You enter the restroom and find that it is completely empty with no lines for waiting. There are rows upon rows of empty stalls and you pick one. You open the door and are a little puzzled by what you see. What is it? You don't know, but it's certainly not a toilet. So you move on to the next stall. Same thing. Worriedly you move on to the next stall. Again, the same. Now frantic, you hurriedly open all the stall doors and find that none contain toilets, instead, they are each equipped with the same odd little contraption, this:

And you really need to pee. You calm yourself down and think. Millions of women all around Japan regularly relieve themselves using these, so why can't you? Yes, you think to yourself, you can do it. But...how? Obviously those lovely no-slip white thingies are where you should put your feet and then, well, obviously you're not going to be doing this standing up so you'd better squat a bit. Right-o. But which way is the front? There is no obvious answer to your question. But wait, there appear to be instructions on a sign on the wall above what appears to be the flush button! Unfortunately, you don't read Japanese, but fortunately there's a picture:

You lean in for a closer look. Ah, apparently you're supposed to strip naked and straddle your duck happily. Wait...what? Ok, forget the instructions, you've got to pee. You figure there's nobody looking so if you do it wrong, no one will ever be the wiser. All you have to do is not get your socks wet and preferably get everything in the hole.

You did it! You've successfully peed Japanese-style, or close enough, at least. You feel so much better! You reach out your hand for a little TP to finish this business off. You realize you are reaching your hand towards a blank wall. You look around you and realize all you see are four blank walls. Um...TP? You close your eyes for a moment and then reopen them, hoping that this time you will see the TP dispenser you overlooked last time...

Yup, that was the worst part about Japan, in my opinion--the paperless squat pots.

I intend to give a real description of my trip complete with pictures probably tomorrow. But quickly, here's one more story for you tonight. I was in Osaka with Azuma one afternoon and we were hungry. We couldn't find any restaurants within easy walking distance that were open for lunch, so we ended up eating at McDonalds. I was sitting there eating my Teriyaki McBurger (no joke) and vanilla milkshake when I looked down and saw this:

"Oh look," I thought to myself, "It's Grimace. Isn't he cute?" I looked a little closer and saw how he was gleefully holding his hands over his mouth. And I wondered, "Why is Grimace so excited?" Then it hit me, "What exactly am I sucking on???"