We're back in the car again

2003-08-30 - 11:07 p.m.

In response to yesterday's e-mail informant, I've been reading through all of my previous entries and attempting to make sure that none of them give away too much private information about me. I cleared up a few links that led directly to me and a few places where I accidentally left in people's real names instead of replacing them with nicknames, but I'm still mystified by those e-mails. I could understand figuring out who I am and possibly what my private e-mail address is (although why bother since you can contact me through Diaryland, right?) but I don't see how anyone could've figured out who my friends are or what their e-mail addresses are. And why would they do it? I'm not going to let this inhibit what I write, though. Perhaps I should stop talking about it. Perhaps by acknowledging this person I'm only encouraging them.

But anyway, I've been reading through old journal entries and I've come to the conclusion that I totally deserve what I got. I don't deserve for Stretch to ever want me again. I need to put it all behind me. Then also I was reading some of the reasons why I was upset with him and I had totally forgotten those. Like during one weekend he showed up to my house an hour later than he promised he would, totally dominated a conversation we were having and then when I started to say something cut me off by making a comment about a baseball game after I had only said two sentences, and then didn't trust me to keep my word and took it upon himself to do something that I had promised him I would do. Yes, I need to just move on.

But I'm such a dork. Am I moving on? No, I was thinking, "Geez, all I'm reading are these journal entries from the end of our relationship. I must have some somewhere from happier times..." and I pulled my old paper journals out of their secret hiding place. Back in those days my journal entries were few and far between. I only have three that were written during the time when I was dating Stretch and only two of them actually mentioned Stretch. And both of those were written before I had ever actually even kissed Stretch, and before I considered us to be "official." Shall I share? I'm feeling morbid, I'm going to share.

October 6, 2000 1:10AM
...And then there's Stretch. I have such mixed emotions about him. We had a date last Friday. We never touched. I've yet to make any physical contact with him whatsoever. I wanted to take his arm, but it just...I don't know. I get nervous and when I'm nervous my reaction is to run the other direction. I wish he would make the first move. I'm so terrible, I see him at school and I don't know what to say so I pretend I don't see him--the whole time hoping he will come up to me and say hi. Maybe he does the same thing. I keep thinking he couldn't possibly be interested in me, but at the same time I think he gives me too much attention to not be interested. When we talk, we always stand 3-4 feet apart. It's so strange. I really want to get to know him better. When I first saw him I found him physically attractive and as I got to know him I discovered we have tons in common. At the same time, we're very different. I wish we were more comfortable around each other, but I don't really know how to help that along.

December 9, 2000 7:50PM
Right now I'm in the middle of finals for my fourth semester of pharm school. I'm supposed to be studying med chem. I'm supposed to be learning all about progestins. But I just can't concentrate! I recently got back from a date with Stretch. I can't stop thinking about him. I won't see him again until January. He's such a sweet guy! Is there such a thing as too sweet? ... Everything he does is super polite. He opens doors for me, he pulls out my chair for me. I feel bad because I think I don't know my manners as well as he does. I'm always wondering if what I'm doing is wrong from what he was taught and is he thinking about that. We still have a distance between us--I mean a physical distance. I guess this doesn't bother him. At first I thought it was my fault. But once I realized it, I started scooting towards him when we are talking and I watched him back away. So...do I make him nervous? Or does he really not like me? I can't imagine that he would continue taking me out to dinner if he doesn't like me. But I also can't imagine me making anyone nervous. Me? No way. Our physical contact tally has now come to four hugs. Two tonight and two after the volleyball game that one time. I had this crazy notion that I might get kissed before my 22nd birthday. I guess not! In a way, I'm relieved. I have no idea how to kiss a guy. Seriously. My only roll models are on TV and they have sex on the first date so how good of roll models are they, really? I wonder if I'm in love. I'm not completely bowled over, but I think about him nearly constantly and I have our whole future already planned out...hee hee! I like the way he talks. He came to my door today, maybe a minute late, but not enough to even make me think twice, and he said, "I apologize for my tardiness." How many guys apologize for their tardiness? Lots of guys might be sorry they're late, but very few would apologize for their tardiness. Actually, Feathers got to the door before I did. She saw him and said, "Oh, you guys are going out?" I wonder what Stretch thought right then. Did he think it strange that I hadn't told Feathers of our plans?

I'm so stuck in a rut, aren't I? When will things change? Oh please please let things either get back to the way they were or let me get on with my life. I refuse to do this forever.

But anyway, DeenPo called me tonight. I was able to answer a computer question for her and also reassure her that she answered a patient's question correctly today at work. She's a lot more paranoid about those things than I tend to be. That's probably why she'll always be the better pharmacist. I also told her about that company refusing to even interview me because I "have no experience" even though I did a residency. I love that girl so much. Where I lack in a dirty mouth and anger, she more than makes up for it. She let loose with a fury of words I don't dare repeat here but made me feel much better because they pretty much summed up the way I was feeling about the whole thing. She's always been that way. Back when we were still in school we both had a rotation in Modesto (about a 45 minute drive from where we lived) at the same time so we would carpool there. Of course there were bad drivers on the road and when I was driving usually the worst that would be heard from me would be a grumbled, "What a jerk!" But DeenPo would get upset and scream curses at people and I would totally forget any anger I had and just laugh. Having her in the car was very therapeutic, I'm telling you.