Burning fire raging through my veins

2003-10-22 - 9:42 p.m.

I don't know what the hell's the matter with me. I'm in such a bad mood. And the worst part is that I was in such a good mood all day. I swear, I was even smiling at the lame jokes they always tell on morning radio on my way to work this morning. And I was perfectly happy driving home from work. And then, as my home came into view around the corner, it was like someone lit a match inside my head. Suddenly I was pissed off. For no reason whatsoever. Sure, my parents had parked their cars in such a manner that I had to park behind one of them even though they will both be leaving tomorrow before I will, but that's no biggie. And then I walked inside and I was basically ignored. I was on the verge of tears. Mostly from frustration because what I really wanted to do was hurt someone, but I knew I'd probably regret that later.

And I'm still pissed off. I swear my dad is such an ass. My tolerance for him is at around zero. Anything he does tips me over the edge. And that's strange because I'm usually super-tolerant and super-patient. It's just him. And it's just stupid little stuff. And I'm so angry at everything and nothing.

But I'm not nearly as pissed off now as I was when I first got home. Now that my parents have gone to bed I had the chance to check my e-mail and read a few journals and cool off a bit. I started to write an entry right when I sat down but I didn't seem to be able to compose a sentence that didn't contain the F word, so I decided to give it a while. And I thought about skipping tonight's entry, but I skipped last night's and I really do enjoy writing in here.

Last night I skipped writing an entry because I finally got my act in gear and finished that poster project. My research project from my residency was accepted by ACCP to be presented as a poster at their national meeting in Atlanta in November. I'm not going to the meeting, but Milkshake is and he said he'd take the poster if I made it. So I finally finished it last night. I'm so stupid to put it off for so long. I've known it was accepted since July. When I finally sat down to work on it, it didn't take me long at all. I started at about 2 in the afternoon yesterday and I finished just before 11 in the evening, with a break in there for dinner and to watch a DVD. I e-mailed it to Milkshake last night and this morning when I checked my e-mail he had already written back with the comments, "Looks great!!" and "Thanks for the great work." Why is it that I'm always complaining (at least to myself) about how nobody believes in me and everyone thinks I'm worthless but here is one person who has repeatedly showed me that he does believe in me and thinks I'm worthwhile and yet I continue to push him away every chance I get? What's the matter with me? Every time someone shows any sort of positive reaction towards me I always have some excuse for their action like they don't really know me or they're just saying that and they don't really mean it. Maybe it's not that nobody believes in me, it's just that the people I want to believe in me don't. I happened to watch a rerun of "West Wing" the other day and in this episode the President was having an argument with his middle daughter. They were yelling at each other and she ended the argument by yelling, "I don't know how to make you happy!" and storming out of the room. At the very end of the episode he tells her, "All you have to do is come home at the end of the day." And of course I cried because I'm a dork and I wondered if my dad feels that way too. But of course he doesn't. Even when we're getting along he tells me how stupid I am. Even when we're getting along he makes oinking noises at me when I'm eating. What does he expect from me?

Ok, that wasn't the direction I had intended to take this entry. I just wanted to talk about my day. I wanted to tell you how I left for work this morning at about quarter to eight and didn't get there until almost exactly nine. The pharmacy I worked in today is an independent pharmacy near the hospital where I did my residency. When I got there, all the techs and clerks were waiting outside the door for me. No one can legally open a pharmacy but a pharmacist. Even if that pharmacist is clueless. This is the first pharmacy that I've been to for this relief job where the other employees were actually there before me. Usually I'm there waiting for someone else to show up. All of the people who worked there were really, really nice. I could easily work with these people. Nobody said bad things about anybody else the whole time I was there. Usually the trash talking begins anywhere from two hours to ten minutes from the time I walk in the door. I have to wonder, do these people talk trash to anybody or do I look especially like someone who enjoys hearing this stuff? Because I don't enjoy hearing it at all. The pharmacy itself, though, had the most horrid layout I've ever seen. I said that Monday's was bad, but in comparison it was beautiful. This pharmacy has been operated by the same pharmacist since May 1, 1948. Back then they only had like ten drugs. And the pharmacy reflects this in that it only has about ten shelves. The rest of the drugs are stuck in drawers scattered around the pharmacy. The stock bottles are literally just rolling around in drawers. Not only that, but they aren't organized alphabetically. They're organized by manufacturer. You guys probably know more about who manufactures which drugs than I do, I never bothered memorizing any of these things and none of them have ever stuck on their own. So basically, I couldn't find a thing. Luckily, the techs were helpful and more than willing to pull stuff for me. The other thing I noticed when I first walked into the pharmacy was that I had never seen so much Vicodin in one spot in my whole life. They had one shelf entirely devoted to Vicodin. I counted 14 giant stock bottles of 500 count Vicodin. And in one day we went through three of them. And today was a slow day. I was the only pharmacist there for the nine hours the pharmacy was open. We filled 250 scrips. Apparently some people died in a shooting across the street last night so a lot of the regular customers figured the pharmacy would be closed today. Or so I was told by one of the customers that was brave enough to come see us today.