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Shallow, deep down
2005-03-26 - 1:39 p.m.
Sometimes things matter to me that I think really shouldn't matter to me. I feel like I have these two major influences from the outside world shouting at me. The first one tells me that I need to be skinny and beautiful to be worth while. The second one tells me that the first one is just a bunch of hooie and if I'm intelligent then I should be happy with the way I am. But really how do I know which one to believe? When it comes down to it I guess I believe in sort of a combination of the two views. But my body image really is on my mind a lot and it really does affect the way I feel and act. Back when I was at my slimmest I had a lot more confidence in myself. I was more social and optimistic. I have regained most of the weight I lost last year and I feel myself pulling back into my shell. I don't have as much confidence as I did, I'm sad more often than I was, and I don't find myself wanting to interact with other people mostly because I'm actually embarrassed about the way I look.
Part of the embarrassment I think is knowing that my chubbiness is entirely my own fault. I can only blame myself for eating poorly and not exercising enough. And everyone knows that. Why would anyway want to be with me when I'm too lazy to take care of myself? So I've finally decided to start taking care of myself again. I've joined Weight Watchers yet again with a goal in mind of losing 20-30 pounds. I don't really have a time line for this. I'd also like to get in shape again. I started this yesterday, the day after my parents left. I jogged once around Green Lake yesterday and again today in the pouring rain.
I've also been thinking a lot about God recently. If you have very strong beliefs on the subject and will be offended by anything I may say on this topic, please stop reading because I'm not here to offend you. Mostly I'm here today to try to work out some thoughts.
I went through a lot of stages in my own beliefs about God. I spent most of my life not being sure if I believed in God or not. I was influenced by friends and situations, especially when I started college, and went through a period around the time of my grandmother's death when I wanted desperately to have the reassurance of religion. But in the end, I don't believe in God. At least not as far as any religion I'm familiar with tells it.
I believe that what really matters is being a good person. Basically kindness. Take care of yourself--don't be a nuisance to others--and always be kind and helpful. That's it really. You don't need religion to accomplish these things.
I don't believe in any God that would require us to worship Him. In my mind the word "God" is more of a metaphor for everything good. It's not any sort of an entity--it's hope, it's happiness, it's beauty. And these things we should enjoy and create more of when we can.
**********And now it's time for a dream.I was walking towards a rocky beach with my brother. He was in a tux and I was in a fuschia-colored ball gown. When we got there there were many other people there also dressed very elegantly and my brother explained that we were at a dance. It was a traditional dance with a story behind it, he explained, and when it started the women would pretend to be lost while the men would pretend to search for them. The men would "find" their dance partners. The music started so I wandered away from my brother pretending to be lost. Almost immediately I made eye contact with a very good-looking blonde guy wearing a white uniform with a light blue sash like a Danish prince. He separated himself from the guy he was with, walked to me and "found" me. I agreed to be his dance partner and we joined in the other couples who were already dancing. It turned out he wasn't familiar with this dance either, but we just imitated the people around us and had a lot of fun. As part of the dance, we waded out into the water and our dance continued under water. The dance took us across the water to the opposite shore where we continued dancing in the shallows. Meanwhile we'd been chatting about this and that. Then there was a large bookcase full of books in the water with us. He pointed out a particular book to me and asked if I'd read it. I told him I hadn't, although I'd heard good things about it. He asked if I would like him to buy me a copy and I said no. When he asked why I explained to him that I already have way too many books. And then we were in my apartment and I was showing him my shelves and shelves of books. We were laughing together about how many books I have when we heard a strange noise and he ran out of my apartment and jumped back into the water. My friend Bob was trying to drown himself because some girl rejected him, but the guy dragged him up onto the beach and pumped his chest a few times to get him breathing again. Bob lives on the east coast and is notorious in my mind for his pessimism and melodrama. Once I was sure he was going to live, I was angry with him for showing up here and interrupting things. And I was angry with him for making me fake sympathy for him just so I wouldn't look callous in front of this guy.
One Good Thing:
Song of the Day: Not Now, Not Ever - John Montgomery
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