So I can sleep

2004-05-18 - 10:27 a.m.

For some reason I woke up this morning really tired. I've been getting plenty of sleep though so I don't know what the deal is. Except I had strange dreams last night. First I dreampt that I was Flik and I was being raped by someone I cared about too much to make him stop. All I did was lay there and cry and endure it. Then later I dreamed I was on a school campus and accidentally pulled the fire alarm. Soon I heard sirens as the firetrucks came and I hid so that they wouldn't discover that I was the one who had caused the false alarm. But then my conscience and the fact that they'd probably figure out I did it eventually anyway got the better of me and I went to find the firemen and fess up to what I had done. When I tried to tell the fireman it was a false alarm, though, he seemed confused and distracted because actually there was an emergency. A couple of little girls from the school had stumbled into a bees' nest. The bees were covering the girls who were standing perfectly still, but hadn't stung them yet. Everyone knew that any attempt to remove the bees would cause the bees to sting the girls.

Yesterday I called one of my high school friends, Legs, who is living down here in LA. I wanted to get together with her sometime while I'm here because I haven't seen her in a very long time. I think the last time we got together we saw "Kate & Leopold" in the theater. She's graduating from law school this weekend, though, so she's really busy. All this week she has finals and then next week she has a BAR review class taking up all her time. And the only day she's not busy with school stuff she has a wedding to go to. To make things worse, I have no transportation while I'm here so if we get together she has to take time out of her schedule to battle traffic to get here and back. So it doesn't really look like we're going to be able to get together this trip. I'm a bit bummed by that. Besides Azuma, Legs is my only friend from high school I still have any contact with. And at the moment, the only one I feel like I even want to have contact with. A while ago I went to a housewarming party for another of my highschool friends and a bunch of my old friends were there. But I still felt really, really uncomfortable with them and the things they were doing. That totally ruined them for me. Neither Legs nor Azuma were at that party. Actually, in a few weeks another of my old friends is getting married and I'm planning on attending the wedding. Maybe those friends will be there and I'll discover that things aren't as bad as I'd imagined at that party. Wouldn't that be nice.

Yesterday morning Tigger and I were good for several hours--she practiced her violin while I studied. I'm afraid I broke down and got tired of studying before she got tired of practicing. We went out to lunch at an Indian buffet restaurant. It was very good and of course I ate way more than I should've. I brought my smallest jeans with me to LA. I'm thinking that was a really dumb thing to do. I should've brought the next size up because obviously my weight isn't going anywhere but up while I'm here. Actually, though, Tigger and I have been getting some exercise. Yesterday morning we walked to McDonalds for breakfast where we got yogurt parfaits. We didn't go the most direct route, either. And also we walked after eating in the Indian restaurant. Then we went out to a mall in Glendale and did a little shopping. We didn't buy anything though. We even went into an Eddie Bauer shop without me getting anything. I don't know, it just didn't seem to have as much my-style stuff as the store near my place. We walked around the mall for a while and managed to not eat anything the whole time except a pit stop for a soda because I was really thirsty. In the evening we walked down to the nearest Asian market and did a little grocery shopping. When we got home Tigger made soup for us for dinner. I feel really bad because I'm really not a cook. I feel so helpless and useless sometimes. I mean, I certainly wouldn't starve if left to my own devices, but I'm also not about to whip up something that someone else would want to eat. I try to be helpful, but I end up feeling more in the way than anything else.

This morning we were good again and I studied and she practiced her violin. We had breakfast at home and for lunch we ate leftover soup from last night. Today she got tired of playing the violin before I got tired of studying. I actually finished studying two whole classes worth of notes already. I think it's helping. I'm feeling much more confident. In fact, I had an idea that I might sign up to take the test down here on Tuesday. Yes, a week from today. What do you think of that idea? I wonder if it's possible. I'm going to go back to doing practice questions instead of studying my notes and see how that goes. I was doing that before, but I was getting alarmingly few of the questions correct so I decided to go back to notes for a while. It would be so awesome if I felt ready enough to take the test on Tuesday. I picked Tuesday because that's the only day next week that Tigger is free and I kind of need her for transportation purposes. I don't think she would mind too much taking me. I think there's a test center 20-30 minutes away. They're all over the place down here.

A few days ago I mentioned this diary to Tigger. I didn't really mean to, it just sort of happened. I told her that I think the reason I don't watch TV so much is because I spend all my time online. She asked me what I do online and so I mentioned blogging. She asked me what blogging is and so I tried to explain vaguely, but of course she asked me if I had one. I said yes and she asked me if she could read it. To that I said no. I hope she wasn't hurt by that. I'm fairly confident that I've never said anything bad about Tigger in here because I just don't have anything bad to say about her. So it's not that I'm afraid of what she'd read that I'd written about her. What I would be more concerned about her reading, though, would be the stuff about me. I mean, this is more or less an uncensored diary here. I write what I think. The stuff I think about me is a lot different than the stuff I say about me. I don't go around telling the world how wonderful I am, but I also don't do much me-bashing in real life. Here, me-bashing is one of my favorite past times, right? Would she be shocked by what she reads? Would she think of me differently? Would it put stress on our friendship? But then on the other hand I think that maybe it would be better if I was able to open up to her. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone I know in real life know how I really feel? Somebody who knows who I really am? But getting such a person by letting them read my journal is really the wimpy way out. It's probably not good. I don't know. I'm torn. The easiest thing to do would be to just drop the whole subject. But it's nagging at me. I want to tell her I don't mind, give her this address and tell her that she can go ahead and read this if she wants to. Most likely she would be bored silly in no time at all. The chances that she would go back to the beginning and seriously read through this journal are slim. I know that if in the future I changed my mind and told her I'd prefer her not to read my journal that she would stop. I know, also, that if I asked her to, she wouldn't mention the existence of this journal to anyone else. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone who could give me advice here on my journal issues who knows me in real life too? Ah, I'm so torn.