Chasing wild buffaloes

2004-08-22 - 3:02 p.m.

I don't know what the deal is, but today I've been feeling tired and depressed and lonely all day. I just feel ugh.

I got up at six and went for a 5.3-mile jog. I wasn't feeling very energetic and ended up finishing it in 56:20. Later I went for a walk with my parents. My dad is so good at pissing me off. And then I get mad at myself every time I lose my temper with him and then mad at him too for causing me to lose my temper. Why can't he just leave me alone? This morning after exercising I took a shower. We only have one shower in our house and it's in the master bedroom. If it's just me and my parents at home, I have no qualms about walking around the house in nothing but a towel. Anyway, today, as I walked past my dad sporting a towel and nothing else, my dad decided it would be fun to pinch my ass. He knows without a shadow of a doubt that I hate that. He should keep his goddamn hands to himself, but I should also have the moxie to just walk away. I didn't though, not this morning. I turned around and punched him. In the arm, yes, but hard. He laughed as I walked away, shut myself in my bathroom and cried. He's such a bastard. I shouldn't be hitting people. What's the matter with me? But why does he have to provoke me? Especially on purpose. Later he complimented me on my jab. I wanted to tell him that it makes me angry and sad when I lose my temper and would he please not provoke me or make light of the matter. But I didn't. The thing is I never ever lose my temper with anyone but him. There's something about him that drives me up the wall. My patience for him was used up years ago.

We went out to breakfast at Noah's Bagels and then took an old monitor, printer, and TV down to Office Depot where they are recycling stuff like that all month. Afterwards we dropped my dad off at home and my mom and I went grocery shopping for food for the upcoming camping trip. Far be it from my dad to actually help with his trip.

I'm so dreading this trip. My mom isn't coming so it's going to be me and my dad for three days. My grandfather is coming too, but he's deaf and I don't think he's going to be much of a buffer between us. I wasn't able to come up with a legitimate excuse for not going. The only way I can get out of this trip is by saying that I don't want to go. I don't think my lack of enthusiasm is a big secret, but I'm not ready to tell my dad I don't want to go with him. We're leaving tomorrow morning and we're going to be gone for two nights. Oh please, please let this go smoothly. During our most recent trip to Montana my dad and I got into the biggest fight we've ever been in (although for once I think I was mostly in the right) and that was with my mom there. My dad needs to realize that I'm no longer the weak-willed kid I once was and I'm not going to just lay there and let him have his way with me ever again. And I need to move away from this place just as soon as I can.