Something's smoking underneath the hood

2005-04-09 - 11:31 p.m.

When I got home from work today I found a message on my cell phone from Duke saying it's been forever since we've seen each other (nearly two weeks!) would I like to have dinner with him tonight? So I hung up my two birdfeeders like I've been meaning to do for a while and then called him back. We went out to dinner at a pho place up on Broadway. I'm glad he called, I definitely enjoy spending time with him. I can actually come pretty close to being myself with him. It's such a rarity that I can be at ease with someone. I'm also glad he took me out because otherwise I would've been sitting at home, an excited, nervous wreck.

I was nervous because I was going to see the singer tonight. He had a show over in Redmond at 8 and I had plans to go. Why was I so nervous? I don't know, but I certainly was. I got there pretty much right at 8, but he hadn't started yet. He was having some sort of equipment trouble. Somehow I didn't realize he had to provide his own sound system. I guess that makes sense, though. I don't know. Anyway, the show was in a coffee shop (which I've actually been to (it's near a Half Price Books) and really like--they have excellent coffee) and when I pulled up I could see him through the window. We waved at each other through the window and then when I stepped inside we hugged. Remember, this is the guy I was nervous about earlier because he was a bit too touchy-feely for me. I've told him about that though, and I'm pretty sure he purposefully toned it down for me tonight, which was good.

I guess my main nervousness was for the fact that I didn't know how he would feel about me. I mean, it's been a while since we actually saw each other face to face, he could take one look at me and totally regret ever having started anything with me, you know? I didn't want to go in there expecting something he wasn't willing to give. I don't know. I already do, I guess, but I didn't want it to be obvious, especially if there was no reciprocation.

Anyway, after the initial hug, how-you-doing's, and good-to-see-you's, I moved off to buy myself a latte and find myself a place to sit while he finished getting set up for his show. While he was singing I had trouble figuring out what to do with my eyes. I mean, if I looked straight at him the whole time would that make him uncomfortable? If he had changed his mind about me then yes, I thought it would. He noticed I wasn't making eye contact with him very much, though, and during his break he came over to me and told me so. We chatted a bit, but I was feeling very stiff. I don't know why. He went back and finished up his show (including three new songs I hadn't heard before and wish I could hear again) and then, after chatting it up with some of the other audience members (while I tried very hard not to feel jealous--I know, I'm a dork), he came over and sat with me at my little table and we talked for a while about various stuff. I was feeling relatively at ease with him then and I could feel some of that old connection coming back.

We also had plans to meet up tomorrow for lunch. When he first sat down with me after his show he told me that the friend that he is staying with is actually having a birthday tomorrow and he'd forgotten about it but really should stick around and celebrate the birthday with the friend instead of going out with me. I was trying very hard not to let on how hurt and disappointed I was by that, but I felt like someone had just kicked me in the stomach. He asked if there was another day we could get together and we settled on lunch before I went to work Monday. Then we talked and things got a bit more comfortable. At which point he changed his mind and decided he could probably get together with me tomorrow after all. The birthday thing would probably be a late dinner so we could probably do lunch. Hmmm...ok, so we're back on for lunch tomorrow. And then he invited me to go out and grab some dinner with him tonight. I considered it, but ultimately turned him down. I mean, it was 10:30, I had already eaten with Duke before the show. And yes, I was a little worried about where that would lead.

So I headed out while he stayed to break down his equipment from the show. As I was leaving he asked me if he could give me another hug. So we hugged again and this time he kissed me right behind my jaw. Oh man, it's been way too long. I very nearly melted. And then I walked away.

That was it, basically. And tomorrow we're on for lunch.