Two and a half months

2005-04-10 - 10:56 p.m.

Today was pretty much the day of the singer.

After staying up til 3 last night mostly just playing my guitar, I got up around 9 and got ready for the day. There wasn't much to do really. I was determined not to try too hard because it seems to me that when I try hard to make myself look good I don't really end up looking any better and instead just look like I've tried too hard and feel really pitiful. So I didn't do anything special to myself. I piddled around a bit until the singer arrived at my place at 12:30. I gave him the grand tour of my apartment and then he began to massage my shoulders.

I'm still not too sure what I expected, but I really wasn't expecting what happened. I let him go a lot further than I expected I would. Don't worry, he didn't do anything I didn't want him to.

For the most part it was good. I definitely have trouble getting over myself though. Plus, what's the deal with me not being willing to talk about how I feel? There's all this stuff going on in my head but I feel like there's a block down at the base of my throat so nothing will come out of my mouth.

Part of it, though, is the fact that I know I want more from him than he's willing to give. I mean, I want everything. I want a man who will be home every night and look forward to being there with me. I want a husband and love. He wants a night or two of a good time while he's in town. I know this. But I still have trouble reconciling myself to it. He would say things to me and I would find myself thinking, "I wish you meant that."

He did end up leaving and going to have dinner with his friend for his birthday. But he came back afterwards.

When he left tonight I was very disappointed. He left earlier than I expected he would. He left after making me promise to call him tomorrow. Perhaps we'll get together before I go to work.

I'll admit though, I'm betting we won't. For some reason I have this feeling that I won't be seeing him again.

If I do, though, I'd like to ask him to play for me. And I'd like to ask him to spend the night. I wonder how that would go.