Because of the book on the piano

2004-12-17 - 7:13 p.m.

Tonight I have three guys on my mind. They're on my mind for various reasons and I want to talk about all three--I just haven't decided which one to talk about first.

I don't know, for some reason I'm very distrusting of men. I think I have issues. I mean, in day to day dealings I don't have any particular problems with them, it's when things start to get personal that I get weird. Part of it, I think, is that I don't have a super high opinion of myself. Hmm...that's not exactly true. I think for the most part that I'm a good person. But I have trouble imagining that any guy would truly be attracted to me and romantically interested in me with possible long-term in mind. And when he shows signs of it I become suspicious. I feel like it's just a trick to get me in bed. And that that's all they want. So in response I close myself off and distance myself. Ack, I don't make any sense.

OK, so the first guy I'll talk about is O'Malley. He's one of the pharmacists I work with. I'd guess he's about 29. The first time I saw him was during my interview for this job. He instantly set off my good-looking, young, tall guy proximity alarm and when I started working there I was feeling vibes from him. He would do things like offer to buy me coffee in the morning and ask me if I'd like to go to lunch with him during our lunch breaks (which I never agreed to). It took about a week before I discovered that he's married. But he never talks about his wife unless asked directly and even then he only refers to her as "the Miss" and he never wears a ring. Then there was the incident with Miko telling me that O'Malley was staring at me strangely all morning. I still get those vibes from him, but no, he has never made me particularly uncomfortable. Today was my last day of "training" (basically my last day of being an extra scheduled pharmacist), so the last day that I'll be able to take my lunch at the same time as another pharmacist. He asked me if I'd like to have lunch with him to celebrate. I agreed to it and he bought me lunch at a little Greek restaurant today. We talked the whole time about this and that and again, I was never uncomfortable. But I definitely get those vibes. Obviously nothing other than friendship is going to come of this relationship, but I'm still confused by it. What's on that guy's mind?

Wednesday night I went to a couple of free concerts in the Ballard area. The first one was put on by the Seattle Mandolin Orchestra. They played Christmas and Hanukkah songs in the library. I was actually a little disappointed in them because they weren't too well rehearsed and also the concert was a bit more kid-oriented than I expected. But it was still cool to see all the different kinds of mandolins. I didn't know there were multiple kinds. From there I walked up the street to the second concert which was put on at a little coffee shop called Mr. Spot's Chai House. The concert was actually just one guy singing with his guitar. Specifically, it was this guy. His musical style is described as "folksy pop."

The way I found out about the concert is sort of interesting. As you probably know, I'm fairly involved with BookCrossing, although less so recently. I have it set so that I get e-mailed notices whenever someone releases a book through BookCrossing in Seattle. I like to see where the books are released for ideas of places to go in Seattle since I'm still not all that familiar with it. So one e-mail told me that a book was released at Mr. Spot's Chai House. That sounded interesting so I looked up their webpage, which has a list of all the shows going on. I saw that the show listed for that day was a guy described as a "poetic, mysterious and sensual singer-songwriter." At the time it also had a link to the singer's webpage where I read that he actually had a PhD in neurobiology. Woah, cool! I didn't have any plans that night so I decided to go.

When I arrived at the coffee shop, he was on stage setting up. I bought myself a latte and sat down and started reading Catch-22. There were three other occupied tables. One was a guy sitting by himself studying. One was two women who appeared to be mother and daughter, both older than me. And one was three girls just chatting. As he began singing, the guy continued studying, the girls continued chatting, but the women stopped and listened. After two songs, the women left. I was the only one there paying any attention. I was at the farthest table from him, but I was still only maybe 20 feet away, if that. It was very intimate and it felt a bit awkward to me. I didn't know what to do with my eyes--I felt like if I watched him, I was staring at him, but if I didn't, then I was being rude. And especially awkward was between songs when sometimes I was the only one clapping. But his music was wonderful and it felt as though he were singing especially for me. I kept having to remind myself that he wrote these songs long before he ever knew I existed. I have to admit, right there I was very much attracted to this man.

When he took a break from singing, we introduced ourselves. I discovered that he's shorter than I am and that he likes to stand closer to people than I like people to stand to me. We chatted a bit and I bought one of his CDs and put myself on his mailing list. A bunch of other people came in, then, at least one of which he seemed to know. I left then because it was getting late and of course I had to work early the next morning. I wish I could've stayed for the second half. Today he sent me an e-mail. He wrote, "It was very, very nice that you were so 'there' while I was playing -- I felt like I was singing directly to you, and that you were really taking it in, and I don't remember ever feeling better singing those songs. I've never quite experienced that before. and it meant a lot to me." It doesn't sound like a stock response, does it? He has another concert in the Seattle area tonight, but I'm resisting going because that would be weird, wouldn't it? Especially if the venue is as small as the last one. Don't want to be the crazy stalker girl. But dang, here's a guy I'd like to get to know better.

And if you go here, you can listen to fairly long clips of his songs.

OK, are you still with me? Ready for guy three? Guy three is, of course, the guy I've been referring to here as simply "the guy." I think he may be around long enough to be worth giving him his very own nickname here. So henceforth he shall be known as Duke. Duke and I have a very weird relationship. Mostly it's my fault for giving out my terribly unclear signals. I feel sorry for him. I mean, how's a guy supposed to figure out what a girl's feeling when she doesn't know what she's feeling either? Anyway, so far we haven't done anything farther than "just friends," although I'm fairly certain he wants to. I just can't figure out why he wants to. Or whether or not I want to. Another one of my troubles with guys is immediately assessing whether or not they are husband/father material. The very first time Duke and I went out, he revealed to me that he developed diabetes at the age of 25 and that his father also developed it at that same age. To me it was as though he had said, "If you marry me, you're dooming your kids to diabetes." I don't want to do that. But on the other hand, Duke is such a nice guy. And he has this sidelong look he gives me sometimes, especially when he's driving, that just makes me want to jump him. But then he also has this look and hand gesture that make me want to scream and run the other direction as fast as I can. I don't know what I want. I think if I let things happen with him it'll be settling. I don't want to settle. I've almost decided to let things happen. I mean, there's nothing that says I can't end things later, right? But on the other hand, so far I don't think he can claim that I've been leading him on. If I cross that line, that changes so much.