Don't you waste me in the ground

2005-04-16 - 6:34 p.m.

I'm feeling so low today. I don't know if there's a particular reason for it. And I hate not knowing if the things I'm thinking are just a result of my bad mood or if I really do think them. Is there a difference?

I think I'm starting to regret my relationship with the singer. I was hoping that wouldn't happen. I was at least hoping it wouldn't happen until after he was good and gone. I'm totally insane.

The only bit of happiness I felt today came this morning as I was walking to my car in the pouring rain carrying two bags of books. The Friends of the Seattle Public Library had a book sale today. It was really incredible. They filled up two airplane hangars with books. I got there a half hour early and stood in line in the rain waiting to go inside. It reminded me of taking my grandfather to get a flu shot last year. The really impressive part, though, was the politeness of the people. While making my way through cramped aisles of boxes of books I was never once elbowed, shoved, spoken to coarsely or otherwise subjected to any form of rudeness. I brought two plastic grocery bags with me and promised myself I wouldn't buy any more books than I could fit in the bags. I didn't break that promise, but you'd be amazed by how many books will fit into a couple of little plastic bags. I didn't get nearly as much pleasure from this sale as I normally would've though.

After book shopping I headed over to Fred Meyer to stock up on groceries and whatnot. My shelves were getting incredibly bare.

And that's it, really. That's all I did today. I guess today isn't really over yet. I just wish it was.

Yesterday one of the techs I work with gave me tickets to go see a concert tomorrow. She's a season ticket holder at the Paramount and is apparently unable to attend this concert and was having trouble unloading the tickets. I accepted the tickets but I've never heard of the performer. I invited Duke to go with me to the concert. He agreed to come, but then later changed his mind. I can't really blame him. I'm not too enthusiastic about it either. What did I get myself into? I could invite the singer...but I'm sure he wouldn't go anyway. Maybe I'll just go by myself.

Last night when I came home from work at midnight I found that my computer had blue-screened in my absence. I turned it off at the switch and then it wouldn't turn back on. So I finished reading my book (Kindred by Octavia E. Butler--pretty good) and went to bed. This morning the computer still wouldn't turn on. A couple of times it made a few grinding noises and flickered a few lights, but then nothing. And then once it got as far as telling me that Windows failed to start properly but then wouldn't do anything else. I left it for a while and when I came back again this afternoon it started up ok. And I haven't had a problems with it since. Yes, all of my files are backed up. So I'm thinking I may need to buy a new computer after all. No vacation to Maui (that was a dream anyway), no couch.

I read this book recently called The Four Agreements, which is basically about how to be happy. I don't agree with it entirely, which is perhaps because I don't understand it entirely, but it did have some good ideas. They're pretty much all common sense stuff, but still it seems that I need to be reminded of these things from time to time. For example, part of one of the agreements is to not talk badly about yourself, especially to yourself. So I decided I would try to purge my internal dialogue of the words "fat" and "ugly." I have to say that I'm doing a very poor job of that today.

I feel so low.