The time to wander down that path

2006-08-20 - 7:03 p.m.

My goodness, I just gave my neighbor the finger. In my own defence, I didn't know for sure he was my neighbor and he honked at me first. First he parked directly across the driveway to my apartment building's garage so that I couldn't get in (nor could another neighbor get out) and then, after he moved out of the way so we could get by, he tried to follow me into the garage. We're not supposed to just let people into the garage (there has, unfortunately, been vandalism) and I figured if this guy belonged there he would've gone in directly instead of blocking the driveway and then following me. So after passing through the gate into my garage I stopped, blocking the follower's way, and waited for the gate to close. I learned that the gate has a sensor attached such that it won't actually smash into anybody's car if it's in the way like this guy's was. After the gate nearly shut on him he honked at me to get out of the way. That's when I honked back and gave him the finger. Hey, I was so in the right here. But I should've kept my fingers to myself. He backed up, the gate shut, I drove out of the way, he opened the gate himself. Yup, he is my neighbor after all. Also in my defence, I was already upset before this incident.

Why was I upset? Ah, Lolo. I love this boy like you wouldn't believe. Every cliche about love you can think of applies here. He's everything to me. I have never needed anyone in my entire life. But this boy, I need him. I don't think he quite realizes how much. And I feel like I either need to do something about the situation to progress it further or somehow back off. I can't stand this the way it is. Yesterday I asked him if he would like to stay the night at my place tonight. We had a hike planned for today so I suspected he wouldn't want to stay here after because normally he likes to go home and crash. But he agreed to it. This made me very happy. Today after the hike we arrive back at my apartment only to have him ask me if I would mind terribly if he went back to his place after all. The thing is, I don't mind, not all that much, but somehow I get my heart set on him being here and when he's not I feel like it's being ripped away. If he had said no yesterday, that would've been ok, but waiting until the last minute breaks my heart.

Luckily (maybe), my eyes were already red and sore from too long in contacts and I had already commented on this and told him the first thing I was going to do when I got home was pop those contacts out. So when my eyes got even redder as I fought back the tears, I could at least sort of blame my contacts. I had to take him home because I had picked him up but he told me he wouldn't mind waiting until after I had taken a shower before I took him. I thought that was silly. I hugged him (to hide my face over his shoulder) and when I could trust my voice told him that if he wasn't going to stick around after my shower, I would just as soon take him home right then. He hugged me back for a little while and finally said, "I'm trying to decide what you want me to say," which, of course, was exactly the wrong thing to say. I said, "I want you to do what you want to do. There is no wrong answer here." He still didn't answer me (obviously not believing my line about no wrong answer) so I said, "Let me just take you home." If my heart is going to be torn out, why prolong it? I twisted away from his hug so that he still couldn't see my trying-really-hard-not-to-cry-but-not-being-entirely-successful face and collected my purse so I could drive.

When we got in the car, he layed his head on my shoulder, looked up at me with faux-puppy-dog eyes and said, "Don't hate me." I just pushed his head away and said, "Stop it." I didn't realize yet that he thought I was angry with him. It was so far from what I was actually feeling. I asked him if he would mind if we stopped for gas on the way to his place just because the cheap station was conveniently on the way to his place and he ended up paying for it before I could get my money out despite the fact that that wasn't at all what I had in mind. When we got to his place I got out to help him get his stuff out of my car. I told him, "I couldn't ever hate you, don't say that." He hugged me and said, "Don't be peeved." Of course, yes, this is when I totally realize he thinks I'm mad. But, ever eloquent, I have no idea what to say and I'm fairly sure I'm about to cry again, so I just push him away towards his door and say, "Bye."

I drive away and manage to wait until his door shuts behind him before I burst into tears. Now, of course, I wish I had told him how I was really feeling. How am I feeling? Sad. And foolish for needing him more than he seems to need me. At the same time, I don't want to need him any less. I love needing him. I just wish he needed me the same way.

I know I'm overreacting. A year ago today we went on our first hiking trip together, just the two of us. Two weeks later he held my hand for the first time. It's been an absolutely amazing year that I wouldn't give up for anything. I want it to continue for the rest of my life. I'm so in love. I know I'm overreacting, but I don't know it.