The unseen inevitable

2003-02-09 - 12:55 p.m.

Did anyone else have trouble getting the links to work on yesterday's pictures? They wouldn't work for me on the last two computers I used, but for some reason they're working for me now. I have no idea what the problem is. I'd like to blame it on general computer belligerance.

I was catching up with the journals on my favorites list and rereading some older journals when I came across a bit of wisdom I think maybe I need to take to heart. "Work is always going to be work." I think maybe I'm looking for something that doesn't exist. A job that I will look forward to doing. It's like, as SquirrelX says, "men who don't want blow jobs at least once a day." I don't know, I'm still excited about the Quincy prospect, but I'm less excited by it now than I was. While I was up there I tried to imagine what it would be like to live there. What it would be like to know that at the end of the day I wouldn't be tucked away in my parents' house. I think it would be ok. But then I was thinking about all the stuff there is to do around there and how not cool it would be to have no one to do it with. That wouldn't last too long, though, would it? I could make friends, couldn't I? I don't know.

I'm feeling very discontented today. I'm not liking myself very much today. I feel so worthless and pointless. I got out of bed today with every intention of going to work and not doing a damn thing. And here I am. Why am I doing this? The Mole makes us come in on our off weekends to do "clinical work." I don't have any clinical work to do. Especially since I was at the family practice clinic on Friday and I will be there again on Monday. There's no point in doing clinical work today. It will all be irrelevant by Tuesday when I get back to it. I showed up today, made sure several people saw that I was here and then...nothing. Nothing at all. I feel empty. I don't want to pretend anymore.

Today is my dad's birthday. He's getting pretty old. I hate that. I'm so used to seeing him every day that I usually don't notice. Every once in a while I take a step back from reality and take a good look. Old. Everyone is old. Everything is old. We will be alone.

There is a picture hanging in the hallway on the first floor of my hospital next to the film library. The picture is by Mark Cohen. Every time I walk by it I look at it and enjoy it. Today, I found a copy of it online. This one is in color while the one in the hall is black and white. I'm considering changing my layout to incorporate this picture. But at the same time, I really like the layout I have now. It's simple and the picture fits me. It's obviously not a picture of me because I would rather commit hari-kari than jump out of an airplane, but I still think it fits me. There I am alone, falling, rushing towards the unseen inevitable, yet taking occasional time-outs to enjoy the view.

"I wake up in the mornin' in a lonely ice-cold bed
Thinkin' 'bout the nightmare that just played in my head 
I think of all the things I miss 
Like moments that we shared a kiss so dear 
I'm so mis'rable without you, it's almost like you're here."
--Billy Ray Cyrus "I'm So Miserable"

Last night I dreamed I was being attacked by giant balls of chocolate chip cookie dough.