Cigarettes, whiskey, and wild wild women

2003-02-28 - 9:16 p.m.

I have this problem. A problem with guys. I wonder if anyone else has this problem. See, I have this problem where whenever a guy is nice to me, I think he likes me. Likes me, likes me. It's so incredibly dorky I can't stand it, and yet there it is. And it gets worse. If I find this guy unattractive for some reason, then I don't have any problem interacting with him. If however, I find him to be attractive, my usual response is to ignore him. Or sometimes I'm especially brave and say something completely stupid. I'm hopeless.

Today was my last day on the ID team. I liked doing ID, but I think for the last four weeks I have done absolutely nothing to make anybody's life better in any way. I didn't like that. I like being of use. This week on the team we had new med students. They were both very good students. One of them was a guy. He was nice to me. I'm doing my best not to blow that out of proportion. He was nice to everyone, and he wasn't really as nice to me as I would've liked. Do you know the best part about being a really young member of the healthcare team? It's being younger than the med students. Most med students aren't married yet. Anyway, I think I managed to never say anything completely stupid to this guy, but I did ignore him from time to time. But it doesn't matter. I've gone off service now so I won't be seeing him anymore.

And he was, of course, far from perfect. For starters he was short. But not that short. He was pretty close to my height. Maybe a little taller, maybe a little shorter, I couldn't exactly tell. Aroha was recently discussing her quibbles about dating men shorter than herself. I have to admit I have similar quibbles. I'm really not sure I could date a guy shorter than myself. That is so shallow, isn't it? But true. Actually, I prefer my men to not only be taller than me, but to be a lot taller than me. Preferably 6'2" to 6'6". 6'4" is just about perfect. I loved having to stand up on my tippy toes when I hugged Stretch just so my nose could be above his shoulder and I could breathe. I would lean into him and he would hold me tight so I wouldn't lose my balance. I loved that.

I think about Stretch all the time. I try not to write about him much here because I imagine that would get annoying. I can imagine you thinking, "Geez, Euc, get a grip. You dumped the poor guy. Don't expect me to feel sorry for you!" And I don't. Not by any stretch of the imagination. That's not what this is about at all. It's just...I don't know. I wonder. Does he still think of me? Does he have a new girlfriend? If I asked him, would he take me back? But I don't want him to take me back. I can't imagine ever being able to build a trusting relationship again after what I did. I am, as Beagle47 said here, an assassin. Of everything we had. But what we had wasn't exactly what I wanted, and I don't want to go back. I just want to be back in that situation. Back in someone's arms, planning what we are going to do with the rest of our lives. Thinking that my dreams are possible.

I don't like to be mean to people. I don't like to be that assassin. Sometimes it's unavoidable, though. Sometimes because you just need to stand up for yourself. Sometimes because sooner may be better than later.

When I was a 2nd year student in pharmacy school I was assigned to be a "big sister" to someone who was pledging my fraternity. I went into it whole-heatedly, I wanted the pledge experience to be fun. I wanted her to feel like the fraternity was a family that she could turn to through the rigors of pharmacy school and beyond. But the more I got to know her, the more I disliked her. She was the fakest person I had ever met. I saw her be completely rude to one of my friends when she didn't know I was watching. She flouted the rules of the pledging process instead of joining together with her fellow pledgemates to accomplish the tasks we had set before them. In short, I got the feeling she was pledging my fraternity just to have something to put on her resume, not because she really wanted to be there. I voiced my concerns to the fraternity a few times and we always decided to give her another chance. Finally, on the last day I decided there was no way she could join our fraternity. She wasn't one of us. She didn't want to be one of us. I stood up and told the other members of my fraternity that I strongly recommended we not induct her and explained why. They took my recommendation and booted her from the pledgeclass. I felt really bad for doing that, and yet at the same time I felt really good for standing up for what I believed. I felt bad because that must've been incredibly humiliating for her. I didn't handle it the best way possible. I'm sure she knew who was behind the fraternity's sudden change of heart. Today I saw the schedule for the last set of interviews for potential residents. I'm on the interview panel. Her name is on the list of interviewees. I suddenly feel like I'm in that same position again. Only this time I feel no family-like loyalty to the organization. But still. And imagine what it would be like for her. Nervously going into a big job interview only to find sitting at the table ready to interrogate you someone who you know booted you from a fraternity pledging because she thought you were a bitch.

Ok, time for

1. What is your favorite type of literature to read (magazine, newspaper, novels, nonfiction, poetry, etc.)?

I like to read novels. The longer the better. I especially like sci-fi, but I read all sorts. Except murder mystery stuff. Yuck.

2. What is your favorite novel?

My favorite is "Gone with the Wind" by Margaret Mitchell. Also high on the list are "Ender's Game" by Orson Scott Card and "The Poisonwood Bible" by Barbara Kingsolver.

3. Do you have a favorite poem? (Share it!)

Way down south where the coconuts grow
A little ant stepped on an elephant's toe
The elephant cried with tears in its eyes
"Pick on someone your own size!"

4. What is one thing you've always wanted to read, or wish you had more time to read?

Ever since I was a little kid I've wanted to read "War and Peace." Why? Because it's long. Really. I've actually read several books that are longer, but I still want to read it.

5. What are you currently reading?

I'm still reading "Dragonfly in Amber" by Diana Gabaldon. I spend all my freetime here instead of reading it even though it's a great book. Maybe this weekend I will finish it though. I have all weekend off!