Valet parking

2003-05-10 - 7:15 a.m.

The other day I had a dream. I don't remember too much of it anymore. But it really hit me for some reason. Well, I know the reason. In the dream I was going to my paternal grandmother's funeral. In real life, she died of Alzheimer's which means she was gone years before she died. I barely remember my grandmother with a real personality. So when she died, I certainly wasn't broken up about it. It was a good thing, really, stopped her from living in a way that she would hate if she had any mental faculties and freed up my grandfather to do something besides take care of her. We had a small funeral for her and buried her in the small country cemetary where everyone on my dad's side of the family is buried. In my dream, though, she had a huge ceremony with hundreds of people in attendance. It took place in a cathedral. The ceremony was recited in Italian, I have no idea why. I remember people whispering, "And this is only the Frescan package!" as if this particular cathedral put on funeral services as package deals and this one had been one of their cheaper options. I didn't go with my parents, instead I went with Flik. Again, I wasn't sad going there. We sat up in the balcony. The pallbearers brought in my grandmother's casket and set it down on a raised platform. Then a strange thing happened. The pallbearers opened the lid to the casket and lifted my grandmother's body out. My grandmother was not a small woman so they were having a hard time of it. They were trying to get her body into a throne-like chair. When I saw her body, limp in the hands of these men, I started bawling. I rarely cry in front of people and I haven't bawled in front of anyone since I was 5 or 6 years old, but it was all so sad, I couldn't help it. I saw Flik looking at me concernedly, but kept right on crying. That's the end of my dream. When I woke up, I realized that I had awakened on the first anniversary of my grandmother's real life funeral. I hadn't thought about it at all before, it hadn't occurred to me that this anniversary was arriving. The dream just happened out of the blue. Was it just a coincidence? Was it trying to tell me something?

In other news, whether or not I will survive this weekend remains to be seen. I have about four projects which I have put off and all of which are due Monday. Plus I'm working a clinical shift today and tomorrow is Mother's Day. Monday I have to give my residency project presentation to the Mole and the other residents, I have to give a presentation on acute MI's to my preceptor, I have to give a presentation on Ximelagatran (now may be a good time to invest in Astra-Zeneca) to my team, and I have to present to my preceptor everything I've learned about reading EKGs which at this point is nothing so I need to remedy that first. I've yet to buy my mom anything for Mother's Day. All this stuff to do and here I am writing a journal entry! I may be a bit delinquent about writing in the upcoming days.

Also on Tuesday evening I'm driving down to Stockton for Rho Pi Phi's third year party. The third years are graduating next year so this party is sort of a graduation party for them. At the same time we induct new officers. Stretch will be there. This will be the first time I'll see him since I broke up with him seven months ago. Why am I so nervous about it? It's so silly, I'm worried about how I look. I woke up this morning with three new zits on my face. And I'm fat. My goodness, I look like a swallowed a whole pumpkin. My current diet is not working. I can't understand why exercising less and eating more isn't melting the pounds away. Stretch will take one look at me and think "Thank God she dumped me. What was I thinking staying with her for so long?" Which is...good...I guess. I don't know. I'm such an idiot.

And a week from tomorrow is pharmacy school graduation. I'm going to that too, of course. The bad part of that is that Stretch's family will be there. How can I face his family? I really liked all of them. And now they all hate me. His little neice is two years old by now! And probably his girlfriend will be there. I'm not looking forward to seeing her. And yet...I really want to see who she is. Did I mention I'm an idiot?