And he never will

2003-05-15 - 5:37 p.m.

Every time I think I'm over it, something new happens and I am, once again, thrown into turmoil. You know that Garth Brooks song, "She's Gonna Make It?" I swear, that song is talking about me. Only minus the whole stalking business and reverse the he's and the she's.

Tuesday night I went to the Rho Pi Phi graduation party thrown for the graduating third years. Of course Stretch was there. I was afraid it would be awkward. When I walked in, Stretch was talking to Foo with his back to the door so I went about hugging and greeting other old friends and tried to pretend his presence in the room was having no effect on me. I kept stealing glances in his direction, but I never saw him look my way. Eventually he looked my way and with a smile on his face he came over to talk to me. I was prepared for awkwardness, but it didn't happen, not really. We talked until dinner and we sat at the same table at dinner although not right next to each other. After dinner we sat through the ceremonies and after that was free-for-all mingle time. Stretch and I talked by ourselves for hours until everyone else left. It was just like old times, only...not. We never touched. The whole time I was talking to him I had to resist the urge to touch his cheek or kiss his lips. And then we said goodbye and went our separate ways. It occurs to me now that there together in that crowded room was probably the most privacy we will ever have again. I wish I had a clue what he was thinking. After I left, I spent the rest of the night wishing someone else would come into my life to make me forget about him.

And then yesterday happened. It was like an answer to my prayer. The type of answer my luck would bring. I was sitting in the library yesterday afternoon, after clinic, before the volleyball game. I was in the public library near the gym. It's not near my home, it's not near my hospital, the chances of someone knowing me there were minimal. But obviously not nonexistant. I was sitting in the library reading "To a God Unknown" because doing something productive when there is an opportunity to procrastinate is totally against my nature, when a man I've met walked up to me, said hello, and sat down at the same table. I don't think I've mentioned him here before. I met him in my hospital's library. He is a Hungarian radiologist. He is old and has such a thick accent I can hardly understand him. When he first sat down he told me about his newest job and how he was studying to take the American medical boards. I said something to the effect of "That's nice," and then went back to my book. About five minutes later he asked me about Propecia. Five minute after that he said, "Euc, can I ask you one more question?" It was funny, I knew what he was going to ask before he said anything. My heart stopped and I thought "Oh fuck." But what could I do? He asked me out to dinner. I'm horrible at these things. I couldn't just say, "No, thank you, I'm not interested." Instead I said, "I don't think that would be a good idea. I do have a boyfriend." How retarded is that? And he said, "You do? Oh, well he is a lucky man." I said, "Thank you," and went back to my book. Five minutes later he left. Bleah, that's my life for you.