Pull the Swan

2003-05-17 - 10:45 a.m.

Despite all the whining and moaning I do, sometimes I realize I really am one of the luckiest people in the world. I don't have everything but I have a lot. My life is good. My life has potential. I have a family who loves me, I have great friends who love me. I have relatively decent health and relatively decent brain function. I enjoy a better standard of living than most people on this planet and better than a lot of people in this country too. I have an education and skill that is in high demand. Although I've been six digits in debt, I've made more money in the past year than most people in this world will make in a lifetime. I've never missed a meal for lack of money or lack of food, I've never slept out of doors involuntarily. I am so lucky.

The day before yesterday I had a three hour heart to heart with Stretch. When I talked to him at the Rho Pi Phi party, we didn't go into anything too personal. But this time we did. I don't really even know how to describe or explain the way I feel about this. Before I told him how I have been feeling, he told me that he had the same reaction to seeing me as I had to seeing him. We talked about who we were and who we are and where we are going and we came to the conclusion that we can be friends and on talking terms. He is still with his girlfriend and has no intention of giving her up in the forseeable future, but that's ok. My track record as a girlfriend isn't so hot, I'm better at being a friend anyway. It just feels so good to be on speaking terms again. It was like a constantly chafing raw spot to not be able to talk to him. And it's not like we're going to start hanging out now or anything, it's just that the opportunity to talk is there. Having a bit of a jealous bone myself, I completely understand if his current girlfriend doesn't want me talking to him. I totally respect that. I have no intention of intruding or messing anything up with them. It's like nothing has changed, and yet everything has changed. Maybe it's forgiveness? Living with the constant weight of the terribleness of what I did to him and us? He never actually said "I forgive you," but his words and actions said that to me. Somehow I feel worthy of being loved again. I'm not the most horrible person after all. He told me that the song that reminds him of his situation right now is "Even Now" by Barry Manilow. I wasn't familiar with the song, but I downloaded it and listened to it and it has been stuck in my head ever since. While the song describes a lot of pain, if Stretch is feeling it, he seems to be dealing with it very well. Everything is good.