If time wasn't such a luxury

2003-08-03 - 7:26 p.m.

See, I have these walls.

It's funny how I can get so worked up over something that I know perfectly well is something I shouldn't be getting worked up over.

I couldn't fall asleep last night. It took forever and ever. I went to bed with a tummy ache and woke up with a worse one. It seems to be better now, but I'm so tired.

Although perhaps staying up late is good for me. It'll get me closer to Tokyo time so I won't have such bad jet lag when I get there. Tokyo is 16 hours ahead of Sacramento. Which actually means that 2/3 of the time it's tomorrow there.

I talked to Stretch this morning. Of course I didn't tell him anything that I'm actually thinking. He showed me pictures of his neice and his brand new nephew. I miss being part of that family. He told me his girlfriend took a job similar to one that I'm thinking of taking--a travelling temp job. She's going to New Mexico, he's stuck in Portland. That means their relationship just became a long-distance one.

I did a lot of thinking last night as I lay miserably awake in bed. I decided I have walls. And these walls were the biggest reason I ended it with Stretch. I use these walls to protect myself. It always amazes me how well they work. I never let anyone see how vulnerable I am. I don't want anyone to know how stupid I am, or how scared I am, or how out of shape I am, or how inexperienced I am, or basically anything. So I put up these walls. And I fight hard to keep them up, sometimes without realizing it. The fact that Stretch kept battering away at these walls really irked me. But now that I realize it, I think I could drop these walls and work hard to keep them down.

I trust Stretch more than I've ever trusted anyone in my life. Even now. So for him I could drop these walls. But it's too late for him. I know that, even if my heart doesn't always listen. But I don't know how easily I could do it for anyone else though. I guess I'd just have to learn to trust them and then drop the walls.