Not breathing

2006-03-08 - 1:13 a.m.

Tonight I asked Lolo about the "spending more nights together" issue. I asked him, "When you said that you think we should spend more nights together, did you have anything in particular in mind?" He said he didn't really, he just thought that perhaps once or twice a week wasn't enough and maybe we should try harder to get together even when it isn't super convenient. I told him I was worried I had come off as unenthusiastic about the idea when he asked me before and he told me that he didn't know why I thought that because he thought I'd seemed very enthusiastic about it. Phew! So glad I asked!

By the way, do any of you out there remember The Book Blog that I used to run? Well, I've started it up again. It's a site for book reviews. You can read book reviews there and you can submit your own, too. It's been on hiatus since I moved here 18 months ago, but I finally dusted it off (remembered my password), fixed all the broken links, and it is once again functional. If you'd like to submit a book review, that would be awesome. Instructions for how to do so are on the site. Also, if you'd like to be notified whenever a new review is posted you can join the notify list (also if your e-mail address changed in the last 18 months you may want to update that). Anyway, I encourage you to check it out.

When I was a pre-pharmacy student, I joined a professional pharmacy fraternity. A few years later my then-boyfriend joined the same fraternity. Yesterday, a current active member of this fraternity decided to start up a fraternity newsletter to send out to alumni as well as actives. She sent it out as a pdf file in an e-mail. One of the tidbits included in the newsletter was a section entitled "Meet an Alum" in which she interviewed an alumnus, asking questions about what he liked best about Stockton when he was there at school, advice he may have for current pharmacy/pre-pharmacy students, and what he's doing now. You've probably figured out that the alumnus she chose to interview is my ex-boyfriend. I haven't heard from him at all since he sent me that letter in January 2004 telling me to never attempt to contact him again. This article also included a picture of him with his arm around some girl. He hasn't changed. And I wasn't attracted. This is so awesome. I didn't feel the least twinge. The most I can say is that it assuaged my curiosity. He mentioned a fianc�e, and while the picture of him and the girl isn't labeled, I can only assume that's her. I don't know if she's the same girl he took up with less than a month after we broke up (since I only knew that girl's name and only see this girl's picture), but I tend to assume she is. She actually looks like someone I could be friends with. But she must be a lot more patient than I am. From the answers to his interview questions he still seems like the same arrogant, insensitive guy he was back then. For example, when asked what he misses most about Stockton he says, "Everything that I found to be nice in Stockton, I have found something better elsewhere. The only thing I miss about Stockton is its proximity to where my family lives." He couldn't come up with anything good to say about a place he lived for two years for a newsletter sent out to 50+ kids who are still living there and even more alumni who just might have a fond memory or two of the place! And when asked for advice for pre-pharms he said, "Unless you are taking advantage of the learning activities you can get through [this fraternity] and other organizations, you are wasting your money here. Those of you who are able to get into pharmacy school within 3 years could have gotten your credits elsewhere and transferred in like I did (I did it in three years)." Jerk! Couldn't he have just said something like, "Make sure you get your money's worth out of this school by taking advantage of the learning activities presented by this fraternity and other organizations?" Anyway, I found out he lives in the tiny, boring town of Albany, Oregon, works in a tiny, boring hospital (usual census between 30 and 55--the census in my hospital today was 241 and it was slow), is engaged to a not overly attractive woman, and is still a jerk. I have absolutely nothing to be jealous of and nothing at all to regret. What a wonderful newsletter.

I have the urge to tell Lolo about all this. But really, I never talk about my ex to him. All he knows about my ex is that he was a year behind me in pharm school, we dated for about two years, and we never had sex. I told one story about an interaction I had with my ex's mom, but I think other than that I've kept my mouth shut about him. I don't know, I remember hating whenever my ex mentioned his ex so I've generally tried to avoid it with Lolo. But I like hearing about Lolo's exes. I mean, obviously they've never ended well so in that respect I don't like hearing about how Lolo's been hurt, but I really do seem to want to know all the details of his past. I swear, if I didn't think it was totally wrong, I'd ask him to list every girl he's ever dated in chronological order and give me some details about each. Last weekend while watching the Oscars Lolo asked when the movie "Red Eye" came out (it was relevant to the conversation at the time). I answered with very little hesitation "Six months and a week ago." He gave me a how-do-you-know-that look and I told him that I went to see "Red Eye" on my last date with someone other than him and it was in between our hikes to Lake Ann (which was six months ago) and Lake Josephine (which was two weeks before that). Upon further reflection I realized this wasn't quite true. I saw "Red Eye" four days before Lake Josephine and it was my second to last date with someone other than Lolo (and the last date was with a different guy two days after Lake Josephine). I've tried to be really honest with Lolo in this relationship. I've been really careful not to tell him any lies, even little ones. My mistakes are in completely not telling him things, not in telling him lies. Even with little stuff and even when my untruths are unintentional I try to correct myself if I realize I'm wrong. I'm wondering if I should correct this one. I corrected it in as far as I told him "Actually, I think "Red Eye" was before Lake Josephine," but I didn't add "and that was actually my second to last date with a guy other than you." I'm not sure if I should correct that or not.

Earlier tonight Lolo and I took a CPR class. We also worked together all day. For some reason I was feeling a bit of tension between us. I think it was probably just because he was feeling like he was coming down with a cold. But anyway, we had this class to go to at 5:30. He got off of work at 3:30 and I got off at 4:30. I asked him at one point if he was planning on going home before the class (implying that otherwise he could hang out at my place for an hour until I got home and then we could go together). He told me he was going home. I expected when I got off work to find an e-mail or a voicemail from him asking if I would like a ride, but when I got home I found neither. So I ate dinner and set out to walk to the class, about a mile away. I'd walked about four or five blocks when Lolo called and asked if I would like him to swing by and pick me up. I said, "Actually, I'm already on my way." He sounded a bit hurt, "Oh, ok, I'll see you there, then." I could've told him I was on foot, but I didn't. I just said, "Ok, bye." He didn't realize I had walked until after the class when I asked him for a ride home. Anyway, we were partners for everything in the class. There were two instructors and four other students, and we all introduced ourselves at the beginning so everyone knew that Lolo and I work together. I wonder how obvious it was that we are more than friends. I don't think it would've been obvious at all until it came to my favorite part of the night: practicing the Heimlich (known nowadays simply as "abdominal thrusts"). The rescuer gets behind the rescuee, puts one foot between rescuee's two feet (to make it easier to catch them should they pass out), puts their fists in the rescuee's stomach, and rests their forearms on the rescuee's hips. Yes, there I was suddenly wrapped in Lolo's arms again. It felt so good. We may have been a bit cozier than strictly necessary. Then later we had to practice how to roll an unconscious person onto their side. My hands may have lingered overlong on his body.

This class also included CPR for children and infants. We had mannequins, but the instructor would give us scenarios in which these kids were always our own. It made it so tough. Maybe my imagination works just a bit too well, but I swear when it came time to practice on the babies I was nearly in tears. And funnily, there was one bit where Lolo and I were not partners. This was the part where we were supposed to practice two-rescuer CPR on the baby. We had been doing single-rescuer CPR and then the instructor said, "Now imagine that your spouse is a healthcare professional and he or she has also taken this class..." I couldn't make eye contact with Lolo at this point. Isn't that silly? And we ended up with different partners for the first and last time that night.