When Mapquest isn't enough

2003-10-30 - 10:32 p.m.

I just got back from my weekly volleyball match. We won by a landslide. You know, sometimes I'm way too easily influenced by other people's opinions. During the third game I served quite a few points. Mostly aces. The other team had one point and we had, well, a lot. Fifteen when they first called a time out (we play to twenty-five). I didn't realize I was annoying everyone by serving too well. I feel like such a dork now. When I realized, I started serving easy serves just so we could play. I guess that's good. I mean, the point is playing, right? But, I don't know, I feel like I shouldn't have let up.

And, ok, I wore these really bright shorts tonight. They're orange with red and yellow flowers on them. Tonight was the first time I got up the nerve to wear them in public. I feel like I'm too easily influenced by other people. Ok, so I'm a dork and my fashion sense may vary a little from the norm, but shouldn't I stick with what I like? Shouldn't I be myself? So I wore them. When I first walked in I got several comments on them. I was accused of protesting the change in the seasons. And someone said, "I like your shorts," which we all know translates to, "Those shorts require commenting and I can't think of anything nice to say," kinda like when someone gets a weird haircut and everyone says, "I like your hair." Do you think I will ever wear those shorts in public again? I doubt it. I hate being self-conscious. I wish I were more confident.

Plus today I worked at a new place. I thought it would be nice and stress-free. It's a closed-door pharmacy, which basically means that the people who work in the pharmacy never see the patients. All the drugs are shipped out to somewhere else. First of all, Mapquest gave me faulty directions so it took me forever to find the place. And then, I don't know, I just hated it. I felt like an idiot the whole time. There were all these people around and they were all doing their thing and then there was me. I got a little corner of counter space and I spent the day putting pills in bottles. I can't believe people do that all day long. I don't think putting pills in bottles requires post-graduate education. And I hardly talked to anyone. I think I'm becoming more and more of a xenophobe. I have no trouble interacting with people once we're interacting, it's the initiation of interaction that's the issue. If no one talks to me, then I talk to no one. It's like I hate being noticed. I don't know how to fix this either. For whatever the reason, I hated the place, and unfortunately, I'm already scheduled to go back. If I could cancel that easily, I would. But what am I going to do, call my scheduler and tell her I hated the place and I'm not going back? I guess I could. But that would be running away from my problems and I won't do that. No, I'll just hide from them.