Up from impossibility

2006-03-12 - 2:37 p.m.

I love this boy so much it's ridiculous. I feel like I'm either headed for a really big heartache or a really happy future. And I really have trouble envisioning that heartache. When I look into the future he's there as far as I can see. I'm seeing marriage, I'm seeing babies...aren't I ridiculous? But the thing is, I think he sees it too. After work yesterday he came over to my place. That was Saturday, we'd last seen each other Tuesday. Not really that long, right? And we were both sick in the intervening time. But the way he looked at me, oh my god, I couldn't resist him if I tried. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that he loves me. All of my insecurities are instantly gone in his presence, or at least squished way off into a dark, dusty corner of my mind.

Yesterday he came over and we walked down to the Cinerama to watch "Narnia." I actually enjoyed it quite a bit. It wasn't fantastic, but it was good. Afterwards we stopped by a restaurant called Bambuza. It's supposed to be Asian fusion,and it was good, but definitely not worth the money. And then we were back to my place. I had to work today so I needed to get some sleep. So we went to bed.

But sleep wasn't on his mind and I have never yet even wanted to tell him no (or else he can tell when I would want to say no and hasn't tried in those situations). Last time we had sex, we were both starting to get sick and it was the first time that it didn't go well for us. This time, we made up for that. And I love being with him afterwards. Completely and totally wrapped up in him, body and soul. It's amazing. We talked for a while, wrapped up this way, learning about each other. Just skirting the subject of living together (I think).

This morning my alarm went off at 5 and I got up to get ready for my day, leaving him sleeping in my bed. Before I left for work I went in and woke him up to say goodbye. I could totally get used to that. And then I left him there as I went to work. I left him a key to my apartment so he could leave when he felt like it and lock the door after him. And now he's all I can think about. I've managed to get my work done too, but he's always there with me in my mind.

I invited him to come back Tuesday and Saturday, but I wouldn't mind if he was with me every night.