The truth, always last to bat

2006-03-14 - 5:45 a.m.

I'm such a dipshit. I feel like total crap this morning.

In my last entry I said that when Lolo is in the mood for sex I have never wanted to tell him no. I guess I shouldn't have said that because last night, for the first time, I wanted to. Only I didn't. I probably should've. I don't know.

I sent him an e-mail a few days ago inviting him to stay the night at my place Tuesday and Saturday. But then I was totally missing him (yes, even though I had just been with him) so the night before last I invited him to spend the night last night too. He agreed to do so. He said he'd be over after he got off from work at 7:30. Then yesterday I got an e-mail from him from work saying that actually he would have to go home first and then come over to my place. I invited him at a little before 10 the night before, he didn't have to work until 11 the following morning--he should've had plenty of time to gather a few things together such that he wouldn't have to go home after work to do it. And he knew very well that I would be getting up at 5 today, but he showed up at my place at 9, bearing dinner for himself. One of the first things he told me was that he wouldn't be able to spend the night Tuesday night because he has to clean his apartment. But I have Wednesday off! For once I'd be able to stay up as late as I want and then sleep in after! So he proceeded to eat dinner while I sat on the couch. Although I never actually said anything, I was acting like I was tired and my tummy hurt, which were both true. I can understand him missing the my-tummy-hurts signals, but the I'm-tired signals should've been loud and clear. I'd have to go to bed at 9 to get 8 hours of sleep. He eventually came over and joined me on the couch and then we moved to the bed where I would've liked to have just curled up and gone to sleep. But no. That's not what he was looking for.

Besides feeling crummy in my tummy, I was, at this point, feeling quite used. Come over after my bedtime, fuck me, sleep, wake up as I leave for work. And then don't come over and spend real time with me later because he has to clean which he could've done at any point during the weekend which he had off or before work or which he can do tomorrow instead of today. I feel hurt by the whole situation.

And the thing is, I doubt very much he intends for this to hurt at all. He probably doesn't see the slightest thing wrong with it. Should I tell him? Would that just make me the whiny and clingy girlfriend? I could go wake him up right now and tell him and probably he'd be really sorry and perhaps even agree to come over tonight, but it wouldn't be right anymore. It would feel like he was here through coercion only. I want to feel like he wants to be here. And I already asked him last night if he was sure he didn't want to come over tonight.

I'm so fucking retarded. And my tummy hurts.