Squirrels and jack rabbits

2004-05-01 - 9:15 p.m.

Ah, Saturday. Ah, May. Is there a better combination?

Today I went for a walk in Folsom with my parents. There's a bike trail there that we've been on before, but they added to it since we walked on it last. So we decided to see where it went. It was pretty--birds, trees, fish--that sort of thing. And then it stopped. Kinda in the middle of nowhere. Oh well, maybe someday they'll extend it even further. In the meantime, instead of walking back along the trail, we walked back through town. We happened to be right by the new WinCo there when my dad needed to use the restroom so in we went. I think that may be my new grocery store. Too bad I'm still on a diet. They had lots of good stuff (choices!) and cheap, neither of which are things my local grocery store offers. And too bad this store isn't just a tad closer.

Oh my god, I'm excited about a grocery store.

A grocery store that makes you bag your own groceries.

I also washed my car and read some more of my book.

OK, you know what? How about I just post some pictures and call it a night? Yeah, I thought that was a good idea too.

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I'm the feeling the need to ramble. Please don't mind anything I say in the rest of this entry.

It's been a while since I've filled out any of those meme type things. I haven't participated in "The Friday Five" or any such thing in nearly a year. Meme-Eucalia has mostly been a testing ground for stuff I plan to use elsewhere. But tonight I did a couple. I finished one because it was easy, but then I quit halfway through another one because I couldn't answer the questions. It made me frustrated and sad. It wanted me to do things like "List three good things about your personality." I couldn't come up with that many. In fact, I couldn't come up with any that I thought were really true. I thought of my normal response to a question like that, but then realized that those things don't apply to me anymore. I'm changing, and not for better. I don't like myself much these days.

I keep saying I'm going to change, but it never happens. At least I don't say it to people who don't ask. But I say it to myself many times a day. I've come to appreciate the fact that I'm completely full of shit. So what do you do when you don't respect yourself anymore? I keep telling myself that I'm going to prove me wrong, but I don't believe me. I blame everything but the true source--me. Except really I do blame me. I know it's me. I wonder how long everyone else is going to put up with me.

June 11. That's my deadline. I will not go past then.

And I want to say I won't complain about me, but that's what I'm here to do. I want to say that I know I'm going to accomplish my goals. But a large part of me knows that's not true. But what if I don't? What then? I can't do this forever. I've already done it for far too long.

Things will change. I'll be there. I'll do it.

Not only have I lost my passion for myself, I've lost my passion for others, too. It's been ages since I've talked to any of my friends except Tigger. If they don't initiate, we're not talking. I haven't met any new people in months. I haven't made new true friends in years. I don't even have a secret crush. I just don't really care. I'm disrespectful to my parents all the time even when I don't want to be. I'm impatient and downright mean.

One of the things about me of which I'm most proud is my patience. I'm impatient. How did that happen? During my freshman year in high school, one of my nickname's was "Everybody's Friend." I'm serious. Now I'm nobody's friend. Where did that girl who was me go? Who am I now?

I don't feel sorry for myself. At least I don't think I do. I feel sad, yes. But as a bystander almost.

Sometimes I feel like there are two me's. There's the happy me--optimistic, hard-working, and caring. I like her. She's fun to be with. Then there's the mean me--cynical, sour, and venomous. She sits around on her fat ass all day and makes everyone miserable. She oozes hate and it's sticky--it just won't go away. Luckily, happy me is persistent, too. She's a little hurt that I'm throwing away all the advantages she worked so hard to earn for me. But that's ok, I don't need advantages. I can get by without them.

I can. I will.