Each day ends like it begins

2004-09-30 - 11:12 p.m.

I was awakened this morning by the phone ringing. It was DeenPo calling. She's discovered lately that if she wants to get ahold of me, calling in the morning is much more effective than calling in the evening. I didn't, of course, tell her that she woke me up, it was 9:30 after all.

Two pretty cool (albeit non-productive) things happened today. The first is that I discovered a place that sells bubble tea very close to my home. OK, actually, it's not bubble tea. But it does involve those big tapioca balls and it is less than two miles from my house. So I took my parents down there today and we tried it. I got a mango-guava smoothie with tapioca balls in it. I have to say it just wasn't...it. The tapioca had no flavor. I always thought that the tapioca in bubble tea had no flavor, but I guess I was wrong because this stuff really had no flavor. My dad got the same thing as me and my mom got a wild berry smoothie with the tapioca balls. The lady behind the counter also gave us a free sample of a blended mocha with tapioca balls in it and I think I liked that better, although there was still the no-flavor issue going on.

The other cool thing was that today was the Friends of the Library book sale at my local library. They sell their books for cheap prices, unlike the last one I went to at a not-so-local library. I ended up getting 25 books for $15. There's this greasy guy that always shows up to these book sales and he brings lots of boxes with him and just grabs bunches of books more or less indiscriminately (as far as I can tell). It's annoying because obviously he doesn't actually want these books, he's just hoarding them. Yes, I happen to have a ton of books, but I only buy ones I think I will like (or sometimes that other people will like). Anyway, my point was that today I somehow managed to get to the sci-fi section before he did so there were still a lot of books there. I had trouble restraining myself, but I think I did all right. Plus I put some back later, too.

Of the 25 books I bought, all but 8 were sci-fi. It turns out that 3 of these were collections of short stories (I'm generally not a short story fan, I tend to lean towards the books with 800+ pages), only one of which I realized was a short story collection before I bought it. Six books turned out to be from the middle of series, and only 3 of these I knew about before buying them. I only bought one book I already own, and I actually I own an omnibus edition which includes that book, so that's why I didn't realize it. There's a lot of that omnibus stuff going on in the world of sci-fi and fantasy, it can get pretty annoying sometimes. I also bought one book I've already read specifically to form a bookring with on BookCrossing, or perhaps to trade with to get another copy of a book for one of my rings that's stalled. So that leaves me 6 new sci-fi novels to read plus 8 non-sci-fi novels. Three of these I'm so excited about I could start reading them right this very instant if I didn't have other things I need to do first!

From the book sale I went straight to my volleyball game. The league we're in this season really, really sucks. Last season we moved up to a better league, but we lost a lot so our team decided to move back down. I wasn't consulted. Today I was bored while playing and it's so hard to be a good sport and not show how bored I am. I don't know why the people on my team want to be in this league. I would much rather lose in a competitive match than win while being bored silly. I could easily have served whole games against this team without them ever returning a ball, but I wanted to play more so I kept lobbing my serves over the net. It's seriously not fun, and I'm starting to think it's a waste of gas to drive out there for that. Luckily I still have open gym and that's almost aways a blast.

Right now I'm reading Tuesdays with Morrie. I was starting to feel like I'm just about the only person on the planet who hasn't yet read this book, so I'm giving it a go. Of course it's good, especially if introspection is your thing. Last night, though, I got to the part where the author describes lifting Morrie from his wheelchair to his recliner. This brought back memories of my maternal grandmother who died of breast cancer six years ago in August. She spent a little over two months dying at home similar to the way Morrie is dying in this book now, and I was there for the whole thing along with my mom, my aunt, and my grandfather. But there really wasn't anything I could do. It was the most helpless I've ever felt. The one thing I could really do was to lift Gramma from her wheelchair to the commode to the bed or wherever, and I did it exactly as the author describes it. And I looked forward to these times because it was an excuse to hold her.

At any rate, reading this book brought back those memories so I decided to read my paper journal that I kept around that time. I read the whole thing last night from cover to cover. Turns out I didn't write a single journal entry during the whole time that Gramma was dying. I have journal entries from freshman year in college right up through finals, then nothing all summer until the day Gramma died, then starting up again sporadically throughout sophomore year and very, very sparsely through to my 2nd year of pharmacy school. What really struck me though, was the difference in my attitude towards life before and after my grandmother died. I was so happy before. I was always optimistic and always looking forward to things. After she died my entries showed me being very angry and suspicious and not enjoying anything, just going through the motions. I was shocked by the animosity I expressed towards Flik at the time. I was talking about how I used to think Flik was my best friend and I said, "Wasn't that a mistake!" and later I was trying to decide whether to be roommates with Flik and Tigger during our third year in college and I said, "Do I really want to put myself in a situation where I will be isolated, lonely, unloved, ridiculed, and used?" "They just keep me around because they are too nice to get rid of me," I said, "I bet they would if they could though." "I feel so lonely all the time. I feel like nobody really loves me. They just pretend sometimes because they're too nice." "I wonder why I hang out with these people who fill me with feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness." "Actually most of the time I forget I'm any different, but I can see it in their eyes when they look at me. They never forget I'm not one of them." I can't believe I wrote some of those things. For the most part I don't even really remember feeling that way. I'm glad those feelings have subsided.

But in some ways, I still feel the same. In the last entry of that journal I wrote, "How did I end up this way--so full of hate and self-loathing? I'm so stupid, worthless and ugly, how the hell could anybody possibly like me, let alone love me? What makes me behave this way? What makes me feel like this? Not only do I hate myself but I'm angry at everyone who pretends to like me! They can't really like me--I'm such a lazy, useless thing--why do they pretend? Why bother? You think I'm ever going to change? You think I'm ever going to be worth the trouble? What's the point? ... I will always be a fat moody girl who brings pleasure to no one, especially myself. Maybe I should just get out now..."

Well, Euc, it doesn't look like things have changed too much. But you were right, you know? You should get out now. Get out and get a job. Get an apartment far away from here. You have trouble accomplishing things when you don't have a specific goal. So set yourself a goal. Here's one: by this time next week, you will have submitted applications to all your first choice job sites. Got it? No excuses. Now get outta here.