The ways turn inside me

2004-12-21 - 2:48 p.m.

So, yeah, today the Christmas shopping really and truly is done. I thought it was before, but now it really is. It turned out that my parents and I both bought my sister-in-law the same thing. I'm not scheduled to work today, so I went out and got her something else today. I went to Williams Sonoma and bought her some chocolate cake mix stuff and a set of four ramekins. That ought to do it.

And then somehow Half-Price Books sucked me in. I was good and only spent $5 there, though. And I was thinking that most of the books I bought I could put in my hospital's lobby area for people to pick up and read. Hooray for Christmas spirit. Oh, and one of them is Robin Hobb's "Assassin's Apprentice" which I loved and I intend to give to my brother, only not as a Christmas present because you just can't give a used book as a Christmas present.

So yesterday I had a bit of a weirdo session, there. I'm completely aware that sometimes my reactions are totally irrational, but sometimes there's nothing I can do about it, you know? It's like...a long train, coming at me from the distance. I can see it there on the horizon, and I know it's coming, and I know I'm standing right beside the tracks, but I can't move. At first it seems like it's hardly moving, but pretty soon it looms up before me and then suddenly it's upon me. The earth shakes and my mind rattles and there's no way I can think about anything else. And then, suddenly, as though someone has reached out and flipped a switch, it's gone. The train is past, receding.

Did something happen? Yes, of course something happened, but no, nothing really happened. I've discovered that there are some things I can't talk about, not even here. The thing that set me off yesterday was an e-mail from the singer. Yes, I know it's silly. He just told me stuff I really didn't want to hear, wish I never heard.

Flik called yesterday and managed to pull me out of my funk. Then I baked a loaf of banana bread and some scones. I think I overcooked the banana bread, but the scones came out pretty well. A little salty, though. Those recipes were both sent to me by the Babe a few weeks ago. I'll have to be sure to let her know how they came out.

So now I don't know how to respond to yesterday's e-mail. Whether or not to respond. I'm considering just not writing back. That would be easiest. I can't write back and just pretend like it was all ok with me. I can't. One of my biggest fears is of being someone's plaything and not having a choice about it. Being forced and pretending like it's all ok with me. I don't want to cause trouble, I just want it to stop. How do I tell him how I feel and how what he said made me feel? How do I know what he's thinking? How do I know if he's really a good person who misjudged and way overstepped my boundaries or if he's just an asshole?

Oh, and for something completely different, today I discovered audioblogger. Yeah, I know, I'm a dork, but I immediately signed up. You just call them up and talk into your phone and what you say gets recorded as an mp3 file for you to post in your blog. Think it'll work here in Diaryland? Let's give it a try: