All the way down to you

2005-01-05 - 1:03 p.m.

Today will be my first day working swing shift, which I have to do for two weeks. I'm a morning person, so I'm not looking forward to this. Yesterday I was up at 5am for my morning shift and today I have to still be functional and not killing people at midnight. I think that's pretty rough. I tried to stay up really late last night and then sleep in really late this morning in preparation. Hopefully that'll help.

So Duke can't go salsa dancing with me after all. In a way I'm relieved. The whole salsa dancing thing seems pretty far out of my comfort zone. But on the other hand, I was really hoping that I'd have a good time and manage to expand my comfort zone a bit. So now I'm trying to decide whether or not to go anyway, without him. But it was so nice to know that I was guaranteed to have a partner, no matter how poor of a dancer I am.

Things with Duke are strange. I don't like it. I want to know what's going on. I'm tired of this beating around the bush thing. At first I was sure that he liked me and the hesitation was almost entirely on my side. Now I'm not so sure. My problem was that I didn't know if I liked him as more than a friend. Since then I've decided that he's almost definitely not the guy for me, but I'd still like to have a little fun. That's probably incredibly unfair for him, isn't it? I don't know. The way things stand right now, I feel so stuck. Nothing's happening and yet I feel like I can't actively look for a new guy because that would be cheating on him. But nothing's happened, so how can that be? And how would I feel if he found another girl? Probably a bit hurt but relieved at the same time. We really need to just talk about this, but we haven't. Ack.