Letters never sent

2005-02-17 - 6:04 a.m.

Dear John,

It's been a week since I last wrote to you and I haven't heard from you. I'm afraid I've offended you or finally lost your interest.

But you've been on my mind. I've dreamed of you several times in the past week. And especially last night.

It's funny how much you make me want to open up to you. I want to tell you everything and to share all of myself with you. I wonder if you understand at all how I feel.

I can't, though, you know? I mean, you and I, we would never really work, would we? But I can't help but think how awesome it would be to share something with someone as passionate as you are. You could probably teach me so much.

I've done the internet relationship thing before, though, John. It's amazingly easier to connect with someone through the internet than it is in real life. I think it's because there is so much left unsaid that each side can interpret as they would like to. But then in real life, that liberty is removed and everything gets more difficult. In my experience connecting with someone over the internet does not at all mean that we can connect in real life.

But then you and I met in real life first, albeit briefly. Was it enough?

And I'm afraid of you. Yes, really. And it's not your fault at all. From past experience, I have trouble trusting men. Part of me aches to let someone in while the other part screams at me to keep everyone away.

I *want* you to kiss me. I want it badly, really. I want to be held and touched and loved. But I know me and I know that my comfort level shifts. How can any man put up with that? It would require a lot of patience and restraint. I know it's an unfair position in which to place any man, but I don't know how to open up without going through this. I feel as though the only way to get me past my barriers is to force me past them, but how do you differentiate between the barriers I want to be forced past and those that I don't? How do you make things better without making them worse? Would anyone be willing to take the time?

And sometimes I feel as though only a man as passionate as you are could do it. A more timid man might balk at my barriers, and a less sensitive man might blast right past them.

And there you are. We've lusted after each other since we first met, haven't we? I can't believe how much so. Your eyes, your lips, your voice. I want you. I dream of you. But how to be fair? How to be true?

And do you really want *me*? I mean really? I feel as though when you think of me you think of someone who is mostly in your imagination. Most likely if we meet again you will be disappointed when the real me doesn't match up with your expectations.

I wish you would write to me and tell me how you feel. Or better yet, I wish you were here in real life so we could work this out. I wish for so much.

Take care,
Me