Every time I close my eyes you're kissing me

2005-09-18 - 2:17 p.m.

This morning I was reading the most recent entry posted by AnExperiment. He was talking about how he has never had his heart broken and therefore doesn't have any emotional baggage (making him a better catch than an otherwise equivalent guy who has had his heart broken). This got me thinking about emotional baggage. I think I've got some, but it seems so silly. That little voice in my head that's always mean to me blew me a raspberry and said, "C'mon, what do you have to have emotional baggage about?" Which, of course, got me thinking even more. My heart has really gone through very little trauma in my adult life. Is my emotional baggage all imaginary? Is it all something I've made up? Is it something I could just let go of and have it completely disappear?

To date, there's only been one guy who I've ever considered to be my boyfriend (I'm not quite there with Lolo yet). I've been out with other guys, but no one else who ever made it to that point. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend and only one of the guys that I've ever been out with ended the relationship (Magellan), all the rest were ended by me (or it was at least mutual). I'm certainly not torn up over Magellan, so what's my problem? There's the fact that my ex started a serious relationship with someone new less than a month from the time I broke up with him--but I think I just use this as an excuse, something I can point my finger at and say, "See? He wasn't very attached to me anyway! I'm not such a horrible person!"

It seems amazing to me that it was at this time 5 years ago that I first started going out with my ex. And then only 3 years ago that I broke up with him. When I broke up with him, those 2 years that we had spent together seemed like a really long time. Now it seems like hardly any time at all. And it's been 3 years since I've had a boyfriend! It's been 5 years since I've gone through the starting up phase of a serious relationship (Magellan and I never even kissed--I think we hugged once and that was it). No wonder I'm out of practice. A litle while ago I was telling DeenPo that I was going out with Lolo. She said, "I know you've been going out with guys," and I told her, "Yeah, but I like this one!" There's such a huge difference between how I feel about Lolo and how I felt for all those other guys. For all the rest I agreed to go out with them just hoping some sort of spark would happen. I liked Lolo before we started going out and things just keep getting better.

A few weeks ago, during out first real date, Lolo asked me about my dating history. I told him about my ex. I told him we dated in pharmacy school, broke up shortly after I graduated, and since then I've been out with guys, but no one worth mentioning. I was shocked, though, by how much pain talking about my ex caused me. It doesn't, usually, though. Why did it happen when I was talking to Lolo?

Sometimes I feel as though when I broke up with my ex, I broke my own heart. All of my pain was self-inflicted. My emotional baggage isn't so much a lack of trust of men, but a lack of trust for myself. I'm afraid that if I get into another serious relationship, I'm going to wreck it again. I'm afraid that I will hurt anyone who loves me. Is this why I haven't gotten beyond the fourth date with anyone since my ex? Is this why the moment anyone shows any sort of attachment to me I end the relationship? If so, then what's the difference with Lolo? If I really like him, why am I willing to put him in harms way by letting him like me?

But when I think about it, the person who caused all the trouble was the me of 3-5 years ago. I feel so different now than I was then. Surely I've matured a bit in the past 3 years! And I've learned. I know a bit more of what to look out for. I'm 5 years older than I was when I started that relationship with my ex. Lolo is 7 years older than my ex was. We're different people with different experiences. That relationship should have no bearing on this one. I should be able to let the past go. Bye bye, emotional baggage.