First you must take off your mask

2006-09-11 - 9:37 a.m.

Lolo and I both had this weekend off. It was very nicely spent together for the most part. Yesterday we got up a little early and hiked up to Lake Melakwa in Snoqualmie Pass. For some reason I was feeling a little off yesterday. It's hard to describe. I didn't feel sick. About halfway up the hike I was chatting with Lolo about British history when I stumbled over a rock. I lost my balance and started to fall. It was all in slow motion and seemed to last forever. I couldn't catch my balance even after I landed. I fell forward but somehow came to rest laying on my back in the middle of the trail. It was amazing. And slightly bloody. Then I was tired the whole rest of the hike up to the lake. I was out of breath much more than Lolo was and I was cold. He was wearing a T-shirt and was hot while we ate lunch on the lakeshore, but I was shivering in long sleeves. I put his coat on and zipped it all the way up and I was still cold. I found a big flat rock and took about an hour nap while he went exploring. After I woke up, I felt much better. Isn't that weird?

On Saturday somehow we managed to have another emotional incident. We're amazingly fragile, he and I. Saturday morning we slept in a bit and then walked down to the theater to see "Hollywoodland." We came back to my place and layed down on the couch where I brought up the subject of living together. We both like the idea, but we're not sure how we're going to go about it. Probably rent a two-bedroom apartment either in the same building where I am now or nearby. But my current lease isn't up until the end of November so however it works out, it probably won't happen for a few more months. Which is ok. At any rate, we've talked about it and the subject is now open to discussion at any time, thankfully.

But somehow we segued from that to tickling/wrestling on the floor. As he had me pinned sweating and exhausted to the floor I said laughingly, "I don't know, maybe I need to rethink this living together thing!" This was ten minutes after I'd told him I wanted us to live together. We fell asleep among the pillows on the floor and he stayed asleep much longer than I did. I went and got my book and read next to him while he slept until I was too hungry to stand it anymore and woke him up to go to the store with me for dinner. He was much more quiet than usual and I thought maybe he was feeling sick or maybe his teeth were hurting him (he's been having teeth issues recently), but no matter how many times I asked if he was ok, he just said he was fine. So I dragged him with me to the store. I held his elbow as we walked but wasn't feeling much from him in return. No input about what we should buy at the store despite inquiries. He insisted on carrying the groceries home so he had no free hand for me to hold as we walked home. He helped me cook dinner, but there hadn't been any conversation at all since I woke him up. What was the deal?

Finally during dinner he said something along the lines of, "Do you still think living together is a good idea?" I was shocked! Why would he change his mind so quickly? What the heck? "Of course!" I said, "Why wouldn't I?" He just looked at me and said, "You said you were going to rethink it." "I was kidding!" I looked at him and suddenly understood his sullenness. "I'm so sorry. I was kidding." I had thought it was obvious I was kidding.

And also, earlier the same day, he had told me that during the appointment he has with the dentist today to see about his tooth pain he's also going to get his teeth cleaned. I asked him how long it had been since he had had his teeth cleaned and he admitted it had been a few years. I, kiddingly but apparently also incredibly unfeelingly, said (and I swear I was smiling at the time), "Ew!" His teeth certainly don't look dirty and they don't taste dirty. He wouldn't kiss me for the rest of the day. Even when I tried to kiss him, he would either keep his lips closed or turn his face. I didn't draw the connection between a lack of kissing and my "Ew!" comment until he actually told me.

And then he had a self-conscious attack about his tummy. I swear I didn't say anything about that. He wouldn't let me touch it because, as he later told me, he was too embarrassed because he's fat. Unless he read my last journal entry, which I seriously doubt, I have never mentioned any comment at all about him being fat. I don't know where that came from. I told him the truth: "You're the one I most want to be perfect for, but you're also the one I'm most comfortable being imperfect in front of." I think that helped.

I think I managed to reassure him for the most part. But I really need to be more careful and more sensitive. The thing is, I'm not overflowing with self-confidence myself. It worries me a bit that we're both going to have a self-confidence crisis at the same time one of these days and then where will we be? Both thinking the other doesn't love us anymore and neither of us feeling strong enough to reassure the other.