A meant-to-be for me out there

2005-09-21 - 8:59 p.m.

Lolo came over to my apartment for lunch today. It's funny how when he's not with me and I haven't heard from him I get so insecure, but then the moment I'm with him all those feelings go away and I suddenly know I was just being silly.

We worked together for an hour before our lunch break. During that time we basically ignored each other. Then I left for lunch and went straight to my place. He left after I did and stopped by a Thai restaurant on the way to pick up some food. (I offered to make lunch, but I guess he's scared of my cooking...) He knocked on my door (one of my neighbors let him in the building--gee, don't I feel secure now), I opened it, and there he was standing there. He stepped through my doorway and kissed me. It was wonderful.

We sat down at my table and had lunch and talked for most of the time. One of the things I find really amazing about him is how easily I can talk to him. I find myself telling him things I've never told anybody before. The other day I was telling him about a conversation I once had with my grandmother and I realized I never told anybody about that, not even my parents. I feel like I can totally be myself with him...which is weird, because if that's true, why do I have so much trouble starting something like kissing him?

After we finished eating he took my hand and just started playing with it. I love when he does that. I love the fact that he seems to enjoy doing it.

Finally it was time to head back to work. We stood up and started clearing dishes away. At one point he was in my kitchen walking towards me as I was walking towards him: it was the perfect opportunity--I slipped my arms around his waist and kissed him. Nice and long. Wonderful. He said, "You're really good at this." I have no idea what he meant by that. I'm sure he wasn't talking about my kissing skills as I'm three years out of practice. Most likely he was referring to me initiating the kissing. Yes, I think that makes sense.

We walked back to the hospital together--no secrecy there, although we weren't holding hands or anything. Then he headed up to the OR pharmacy while I went back down to the central pharmacy. It was so hard to work after that. My head was totally in the clouds. I kept spacing out or realizing I was verifying orders without really thinking about them. I could still smell him on me. It was hard to stop smiling.

I don't ever want this to end.

I have a question for you guys, though. Those of you with significant others--how do you deal with them and your blog? I mean, do they know about it? Do they read it? Do you write about them or do you just leave them out of it? Do they have any problem with you writing about them in a public journal? Obviously I'm not going to stop writing about Lolo any time soon (unless for some reason he asks me to). So far I haven't had anything bad to say about him so I haven't actually written anything here about him that I would mind him knowing. (In fact, I've already told him a lot of it, other than my insecurities. Today I told him about how I had planned on kissing him first that night we went to the movie but just couldn't make myself do it. He said he figured that out later when he finally realized why I didn't eat the garlic bread that came with my dinner despite the fact that the waitress had raved about it.) I don't ever want to lie to him or to keep secrets from him. I don't want him to read this yet--I still want to be able to work out my thoughts and feelings here on occasion--but I'm tempted to tell him of its existence.