Can't you see?

2006-10-16 - 8:16 a.m.

I'm such a stupid bitch. I swear. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like my relationship with Lolo is a bit backwards. It's this: I want sex all the time. How did that happen? I got by perfectly happily for 27 years of my life without it. And now I'm always thinking about it. And it seems as though Lolo is not. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? Isn't he supposed to be the one who wants it all the time? Aren't I the one who's supposed to get to decide when and if? What's this? Sometimes I think maybe he's just not pushing himself on me out of politeness and respect. He thinks, like I do, that I'm not supposed to want it all the time and therefore he's careful not to ask for it all the time. He thinks he's being good to me while in fact he's driving me crazy. That's just a theory. Maybe he really doesn't want it. I know, I know, you're going to tell me that I should just talk to him about it, right? Tell him how I'm feeling? Blah blah blah? But the thing is, I feel like I'm practically throwing myself at him. I feel like a complete hussy. I'm not the type of girl that throws herself at boys usually, maybe I'm just not very good at it. Maybe I think I'm throwing myself at him and he isn't even noticing. It feels more like rejection though. It feels like I'm being ignored.

At work there's a big Pyxis machine, like a vending machine for drugs, which the technicians fill and then the pharmacists have to check to be sure they filled correctly. The problem is that the pharmacists can't tell just by looking that there is something in the machine to be checked, so someone came up with the idea of installing a light nearby. The techs turn the light on when there's something in there to be checked and the pharmacists turn the light off once they've checked it. No confusion. Drugs don't sit in the machine unchecked because the pharmacists don't know they're there and pharmacists don't waste their time getting up to check stuff when there's nothing to check. I feel like I need a light like that. When I'm in the mood, I just flip the switch and turn it on. No confusion.