I could hold you in my arms

2005-10-24 - 12:39 p.m.

I could tell you that I've been really busy recently. I could tell you that I haven't had time to write here. I could tell you that I've been too happy to write here, or too sad. But it's not true. The truth is that I just haven't felt like writing here.

This morning I attempted my 15-mile run. I didn't make it though. I mean, I eventually made it all the way around the loop, but I didn't run the whole way. I walked the last two or three miles. Mostly because I was in pain though, not so much because I was tired. I recently bought new running shoes. They're supposed to have extra support to help me out with my supronating problem (running on the outside part of my feet), but they really hurt my toes. They feel fine for short runs, but right now I don't think I can put any shoes on my feet at all, they are so pained.

Every time I run this loop I weigh 4 pounds less after the run than before. Where does that weight go, I wonder? Some of it, obviously, is just sweat. But somehow I don't think even I can perspire 4 pounds worth. And if I ran 15 miles every day would I eventually shrink away to nothing?

I recently had two minor disappointments at work. Somehow I got it into my head that I'd like to work in the OR pharmacy. The schedule is early, they work alone except for one tech who's in and out, and they get to wear scrubs to work. Sounds pretty nice, doesn't it? At least for me. I like early and I'm good at alone. So I asked my boss if I could and he said no. That was that. Maybe later, he says. I'm training in the CCU next month. He wants me to take them one at time. It makes sense, of course, but I don't see why I can't do both and I can't help being a little disappointed. The second disappointment is that my scheduler told me she wants to switch my weekend. Basically the pharmacists in my hospital are split into two groups. These two groups flip-flop weekend duty. She wants to switch me because once I'm trained in the CCU there will be three CCU pharmacists on my weekend and two on the other. One of the pharmacists of that group of two doesn't want to work CCU anymore, so one of my group of three needs to switch over to the other weekend. As the newbie, that switch falls to me. I'm unhappy with switching because currently Lolo and I are on the same weekend.

And how are things between Lolo and I? Good. I think. I don't know. It seems like things have been a little weird recently. And that weirdness is not being caused by me, as far as I can tell. I think sex is getting in the way. I don't know. I don't really feel like discussing that aspect at the moment. Last night he came over to my neck of the woods and we walked a few blocks to the theater to see a movie. It all seemed fine and normal to me. Since I have today off and he didn't have to start work today until 11, I thought maybe he would end up spending the night at my place. I had this idea that I would cook breakfast for him. I made this baked French toast stuff. It had to sit in the fridge overnight. I made it yesterday after work before he came to pick me up for the movie. I thought this morning I would slip out of bed and pop it in the oven and we could eat it together before he left. So after the movie we're walking back to my place hand in hand. We get to where we'd have to turn left to get to my place and I start to turn but he leads me straight. I figure he's taking me to his car. My brain is busily thinking up reasons for this. Does he have a surprise for me in his car? Is he going to take me somewhere for a late dinner or dessert or something? We get to his car and he opens the door for me and says, "I'll drive you home." It's just a block away, but this way he has precluded the possibility that he will accompany me inside. That's it. I kissed him goodbye as I got out of his car. I had to work so hard not to cry until I was out of his sight. Maybe it would've been better if I'd asked what was up, but I didn't. I remembered about my breakfast later and sent him an e-mail asking if he'd like to join me before he went to work. He turned me down. I cooked it anyway, of course, and ate it by myself.