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The view

Diaryland


Woo-hoo! It's today!

2002-12-08 - 8:45 a.m. (Georgia Time)

My very first thought this morning when I woke up was actually, "Woo hoo! It's today!" Woah, wouldn't it be cool to wake up with such a cheery thought every morning? My usual first thought for the morning is "Ugh," and that's on a good day.

But anyway, dream time! Last night I dreamt that I was in the ICU. We were interviewing people to be residents and I was stationed there to ask and answer questions as they went by. While I was between interviewees I got to witness the nurses' actions. Turns out they let the patients "get some air" by hanging them out the windows of their 6th floor rooms by their ventilator tubes--the breathing tube down their tracheas. Nobody seemed to think this was unusual. But then for some reason one of the little old ladies' tubes started to unroll from the vent like it was on a spool and she started to float away like a kite. Nobody noticed until her nurse went to pull her in and looked out but didn't see her. Instead she had to look up. But she couldn't pull her in by her vent tube because that would pull it out of her throat and she'd fall. Instead she pulled her in by her NJ tube (naso-jejunum), her feeding tube. When they got her in, the news people were there and everyone asked why the NJ tube hadn't come out when they pulled on it. A doctor (Lionel Luther from Smallville) showed up and said it was because of his new nutritional supplement. Then things calmed down a bit and I went back to interviewing people. Stacy came up to me and asked if I would stop by her place and play with her puppy. I agreed to do so. Turns out Stacy lives with Ray and Aunt V. She had a little cute-beyond-belief Jack Russel terrier puppy. But then it became a kitten and I became a little boy and the dream switched to movie-like where I wasn't in it. Every time the little boy played with the kitten he would be transported back to biblical times. I'm not sure how he got back to regular time, but he kept jumping back and forth. When he was in the other time very little time would pass for the people where he wasn't, but time progressed normally for him. He made friends with a woman back in time who basically adopted him and he began to spend more and more time there. Which meant in our time he was growing old much faster than he should have. It soon became apparent that this kid was somebody important back in time. He was either Jesus or Michelangelo.

10:12pm Georgia Time

It's official! I'm the biggest loser ever. I met Somnambulist today for real and face to face. The reason I couldn't call his cell before was because I had made a typo. I got a little lost on the way to his hotel. Where I come from freeways either run north-south or east-west, none of this circle stuff. So I accidentally took 285 north instead of east. But I stopped to ask for directions--I actually stopped to buy a map but the girl at the gas station insisted on giving me directions so I put the map back--and then found the hotel with no difficulty. I didn't have Somnambulist's number or know which room he was in so I went to the main office and asked. They called him and he soon came to meet me. We headed out for Stone Mountain, stopping on the way at a Waffle House for an extraordinarily greasy brunch. Stone Mountain was pretty cool. We walked to the top and took a while to enjoy the view, then we walked down and around to the front. I thought it was kind of funny that they never really identified the faces on the mountain. I had to look in a book in the gift shop to find out. Maybe in Georgia their faces are as well known and obvious as the faces on Mt. Rushmore are to the rest of us. Anyway, we explored a bit among the shops at the base and then we watched the Christmas Laser show. It was getting pretty cold so we went back to Somnambulist's place for a pizza dinner. I made it back to my place without getting lost or even looking at a map.

I've been trying to explain myself to me for the last hour or so. There must be some reason I act the way I do. He wanted more than I was willing to give today and I hope he is willing to forgive me for that. But at the same time I don't see any reason why I should give more than I am comfortable giving. But I should have been more obvious about my comfort level. I should've just laid it out, here's how it is. He said he felt totally comfortable talking to me. So why can't I be totally comfortable talking to him? I felt like I was on defensive mode all day. Why do I act that way? Defensive meaning trying to deflect the conversation away from me. God, I'm a dork.

Ok, there were several issues going on today. Number one was that when this trip was initially planned it was planned to be a "friendly" trip. I wasn't aware the rules had changed and I was a little surprised to find they had. I admit to not being totally off guard, though. The second thing is even if we have been talking online for three months, we only just met today. To me it seems too fast to start planning romantic encounters. I know we are highly limited on time and he spent a considerable amount of time, money, and effort just to come down to see me, but I'm still not comfortable rushing into anything so quickly. Thirdly, in my entire life I've kissed (etc.) one guy. I just broke up with him 59 days ago. True, I broke up with him not the other way around, but I do sometimes still miss him. I don't regret breaking up with him, but there is the possibility that I'm not quite as ready to move on as I thought I was. Especially given the fact that Somnambulist has some of the exact same gestures as Stretch. The whole situation brought a whole bunch of memories back and I guess I wasn't adequately prepared to deal with them. Ok, what number was I on? Oh yes, four. Fourthly, it was painfully obvious today that I'm a huge loser and a gigantic waste of anyone's time. But at the same time Somnambulist kept telling me what a good time he was having and how much he liked me. I know he asserted these things as facts, but how could they be true? It was ok before because he hadn't met me. But now he has. He received more than a full dose of Eucalia at her peak of loser-dom and yet he maintains that he was having fun and liking me. So basically there has to be something seriously wrong with the guy. I've always felt this way. Since I'm such a loser any guy who likes me must be a loser too. I don't want a loser guy. Therefore, any guy who likes me, I won't like back. I'm trying to remember how I got around that with Stretch. I think it was his original six months of indecision and hesitation. But anyway, Euc, it's ok to feel however you feel, but be sure not to squish anybody else's feelings along the way. Be open. Be honest. Lose the defensiveness.

One Good Thing:
Song of the Day:
One Year Ago Today:

8 weeks, 3 days
2012-04-05
8 weeks, 1 day
2012-04-03
6 weeks, 4 days
2012-03-23
6 weeks, 2 days
2012-03-21
5 weeks, 6 days
2012-03-18

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